I realized that the Holy Spirit is calling me to do things. I feel it. It has been calling me to be bold and speak in front of people. It has been calling me to not be afraid to be myself, to do silly things off-the-cuff.
But what keeps me from doing that, all the time? I think it's the fear of not having the perfect phrasing when I speak. I am so unusually particular and careful about my writing that when I try to do the same thing with speaking, I literally edit myself out of conversations and refrain from improvising. Basically, I refrain from being myself or expressing anything that isn't a watered-down, polemic, well-rehearsed version of who I am.
That's where my insecurity and fear lie, in that act of not speaking. And that feels SO good to see. It's a struggle, but man, now that I can see that, it is like realizing that you're wearing chains and realizing they aren't a part of you. They aren't you- they aren't tattooed, embedded into your flesh (some kind of are, but that's beside the point right now). What is tattooed onto your heart? Patience, kindness, joy, love, and other fruits.
I keep reading and relating to books about repentance and never doing the same things again. I'm reading Breaking Free, and that's what I want- to break free from my insecurities. I know the only time I'll be totally free is in Heaven someday, but freedom is possible here, too. I love the little tastes of it I have been feeling lately, and I'm currently chasing that freedom (and freeing love) that God promises to all of His sons and daughters.
Another little thing: I love all of the friendships I have been able to see blossom lately. I have had the time of my life lately. Thank you, friends, for lighting up my life and encouraging me.
Love love LOVE,
MacKenzie :)
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Declaration of Intention
I think it's amazingly ironic that I can relate the most to Jesus Christ and Chris Traeger right now. Jesus because he suffered the worst kinds of pain for me and everyone else, and Chris Traeger on a less serious note because in the fourth and fifth seasons of Park and Recreation he hits a rough patch in his life and still has the greatest courage to keep going. They both give me hope.
I will honor my roles and love my purpose in ALL of them (Cru leader, friend, maybe discipler, community contributer, Jesus lover).
Also, I've been so blessed by the friends in my life who have been able to pour into me and encourage me and help feed me the bitter medicine that is wisdom and truth.
This week has been particularly difficult for me, but despite it being hard, I think the most healthy decisions were made.
I've written bits and pieces of this declaration here and there, but I wanted to post it more officially so all my friends knew what was up and what my goals are. :)
This year (or at least extended period of time), I will climb the MOUNT EVEREST of my mind.
I will let go of how I view myself and embrace how God views and loves me.
I will share my voice and love with the world!
This year, I will remember that I am LOVED and I am ENOUGH!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
more identity realizations
There are a lot of things about me that feel really fluid- the things I enjoy are honestly so different within themselves. Being home has helped me get back in touch with all of the things I love. Music, clothes, movies, activities. I don't think I can easily classify myself because I feel and love everything, all at once. The only things I know for sure that I don't like are horror movies and rap music, and even then I would watch a scary movie if there was a special guy to hold on to, and I have the occasional urge to drop a beat or two.
It makes me wonder, does everyone else already know who they are? Or are they just as clueless with trying to figure it out, too? In all honesty, maybe no one else thinks about it as much as I do- maybe they just live it and play by ear. But I love studying people, so I might as well love studying myself, too (because I don't have a big head, but I think I'm pretty interesting- hence the blog, hence the long sentences, haha).
It's an exhausting business, discovering oneself, but it's beautiful to celebrate this complexity, to celebrate that God's made us this way for a reason. I think that's why I go so well with people in a one-on-one way- I can see where we're similar so I can share in and cherish that connection with them. But also referring to an earlier post, God has really been showing me my "fire" for life the last couple of days. I mean, I spontaneously cut my hair again and I found all these clothes I bought but never wore and I'm going to just wear them and love them and love me, finally.
It's been too long since I honestly loved myself for who I already am. I can't really explain it, but my self-esteem has been worse or just as bad these past two years than when I was younger and angsty and hurting before Jesus. That's not a shade of myself that needs to make a comeback. I think I've just been holding on to the bitterest idea that I'm not good enough, and that's not okay and not the truth about me.
Earlier this semester, Kari (my discipler) was going over some verses with me and asked me what I thought the girl God meant for me to be looked like. I remember my breath being taken away, like when you make eye contact with your crush in the middle school. I just thought about how confident and radiant she is. I thought about how she is absolutely loved and she knows it and she is just glowing and giving that love to others. She is confident and smiles like I used to this summer. She isn't perfect (although in my daydreams she's got her act together, haha) but she just oozes joy and love and hospitality (and she isn't as quiet, but that's a journey by itself, haha).
… Today, this is the closest I've ever felt to that girl. I've never felt this positively about myself all at once, ever (the closest I've been to it was in Charleston last summer). I actually thought to myself "Hey, I'm pretty cool"! That people wanted to get to know me, that people wanted to love me. That God wanted to show me things, that He loves me and will meet all my needs and is there through everything. Those are such empowering thoughts- so much Holy Spirit in me fueling my fire, which is a beautiful thing given the rain I've been feeling for a long, long time.
So, all of that to say, I am praying this fire keeps going and I am really excited about it. Life has been unexpectedly tangled lately but I know it will be okay and work out.
"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised." Psalm 113:3
It makes me wonder, does everyone else already know who they are? Or are they just as clueless with trying to figure it out, too? In all honesty, maybe no one else thinks about it as much as I do- maybe they just live it and play by ear. But I love studying people, so I might as well love studying myself, too (because I don't have a big head, but I think I'm pretty interesting- hence the blog, hence the long sentences, haha).
It's an exhausting business, discovering oneself, but it's beautiful to celebrate this complexity, to celebrate that God's made us this way for a reason. I think that's why I go so well with people in a one-on-one way- I can see where we're similar so I can share in and cherish that connection with them. But also referring to an earlier post, God has really been showing me my "fire" for life the last couple of days. I mean, I spontaneously cut my hair again and I found all these clothes I bought but never wore and I'm going to just wear them and love them and love me, finally.
It's been too long since I honestly loved myself for who I already am. I can't really explain it, but my self-esteem has been worse or just as bad these past two years than when I was younger and angsty and hurting before Jesus. That's not a shade of myself that needs to make a comeback. I think I've just been holding on to the bitterest idea that I'm not good enough, and that's not okay and not the truth about me.
Earlier this semester, Kari (my discipler) was going over some verses with me and asked me what I thought the girl God meant for me to be looked like. I remember my breath being taken away, like when you make eye contact with your crush in the middle school. I just thought about how confident and radiant she is. I thought about how she is absolutely loved and she knows it and she is just glowing and giving that love to others. She is confident and smiles like I used to this summer. She isn't perfect (although in my daydreams she's got her act together, haha) but she just oozes joy and love and hospitality (and she isn't as quiet, but that's a journey by itself, haha).
… Today, this is the closest I've ever felt to that girl. I've never felt this positively about myself all at once, ever (the closest I've been to it was in Charleston last summer). I actually thought to myself "Hey, I'm pretty cool"! That people wanted to get to know me, that people wanted to love me. That God wanted to show me things, that He loves me and will meet all my needs and is there through everything. Those are such empowering thoughts- so much Holy Spirit in me fueling my fire, which is a beautiful thing given the rain I've been feeling for a long, long time.
So, all of that to say, I am praying this fire keeps going and I am really excited about it. Life has been unexpectedly tangled lately but I know it will be okay and work out.
"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised." Psalm 113:3
Sunday, May 10, 2015
identity crisis
Warning: a windy, long post because I am in a wobbly, rambling state of mind.
These past several weeks have been so… unique. Haha, yes, that is the only word I can think to use to describe my experience.
So, what does all of this mean for me?
It means that the next several months are going to be weird, hard, trippy, inspiring, dark, edgy, light, sweet, and every shade in between.
It means I need to focus on discovering and loving myself for a little while. And I am so very sorry to every person that has tried to reach out to me lately, to all of my friendships that have seemingly disappeared or run dry- I have had to spend my time lately in somewhat of a solitude (in an independent, almost nomadic state), trying to regain the inner strength needed to begin this journey with people. It's hard to show people the fire, the life I have, too, when all I've been feeling lately is rain.
Going along with all of this, under the dirt of everything, I know God is working in me right now. There is obviously a lot of weird roots being tapped into right now. A LOT of things are on the operating table. Weird heart problems, weird soul achings and past sufferings and tethered rejections are being put under the microscope, are being cut away and tied together. It's really difficult to see it all and understand the complexity of what God is doing in me as I learn and ache and laugh and talk and think, so I have been trying to relax and be as cooperative as possible. But I can have faith that God is setting me up for the beautiful work that I have ahead of me.
-MacKenzie
These past several weeks have been so… unique. Haha, yes, that is the only word I can think to use to describe my experience.
This is the first time I have been truly single in three years (and the first time I think in my life that there wasn't a specific boy I was desperately pining for). It is an odd, unnatural thing to me- to have a chunk of my life with no definite end, just devoted to investing in and discovering myself and not exhausting myself with tailoring my life to someone else (not that that's anyone else's fault but my own).
If you would have asked me if I wanted to be single, even at any point of my life up until now, I would have seriously laughed in your face. It's sad that this would have felt wrong to me before- that this epoch would be any less important than another, because it isn't (it's probably the most important, life-changing thing I could be doing right now). But honestly, this sudden chapter change in my life feels like it has stripped away what understanding I did have of my purpose, my identity, and my dreams. It's a battle: retreating into my old self versus becoming this new self, being in this new role. Grieving flesh and grieving spirit, literally.
Who is this girl?
If you would have asked me if I wanted to be single, even at any point of my life up until now, I would have seriously laughed in your face. It's sad that this would have felt wrong to me before- that this epoch would be any less important than another, because it isn't (it's probably the most important, life-changing thing I could be doing right now). But honestly, this sudden chapter change in my life feels like it has stripped away what understanding I did have of my purpose, my identity, and my dreams. It's a battle: retreating into my old self versus becoming this new self, being in this new role. Grieving flesh and grieving spirit, literally.
Who is this girl?
I realized my complicated state of crisis and confusion a couple of weeks ago, when someone asked me who my favorite Avenger was. I couldn't answer- I used to always say Iron Man just because he was the favorite of both of the boyfriends I had. But when it came down to it, I had never formed my own opinion on the matter at all. I always thought Iron Man was funny but too much of an egotistical d-bag, and I normally enjoyed the character who suffered the most in the movie. (I'm happy to report I loved Hawkeye in this newest Avengers movie, and the Hulk.)
If I had to sum up my experience up to now with most of my relationships and even friendships, I tend to latch onto other peoples' lives and opinions and feelings and leave mine somewhere and pray it catches up. There are very few relationships I have where I don't leave myself at the door with my shoes- they are shallow. I don't really own myself, or maybe I feel as though I'm not vibrant or dominant enough to show the fire I have, too. And the ones where I do show myself, I have had a painful history of rejection that has left deep scars (not that there's no hope for better relationships, it just makes it harder to initiate them now).
I always think of this story I had to translate this semester in my French class, where the man is out with other people and laughs, but it's a laugh that he normally saves for the comfort of his own home, and just being that much of his true self with people immediately makes him uncomfortable and he wants to leave. That pretty accurately describes my crippling shyness.
I always think of this story I had to translate this semester in my French class, where the man is out with other people and laughs, but it's a laugh that he normally saves for the comfort of his own home, and just being that much of his true self with people immediately makes him uncomfortable and he wants to leave. That pretty accurately describes my crippling shyness.
Sure, I love things- I have fire, too. I love French things and The Office and puppies and strawberries more than any other person I have ever met. But, when it comes down to it… out of all of the things I love in this world, I love other people the most. I didn't even think that there was such a thing as a shy people-person, but that's totally me. Most of the time, I am perfectly content being a fly on the wall, sitting in a room and listening to the people I love have conversations, just being my own part of things.
But is that okay? I mean, it's a lonely life sometimes, for sure. I am so shy, even though I have made some sorts of progress (despite one of my teachers this semester giving me the title of "the shyest student she'd ever had").
Heck, I can somewhat sing in front of people now. And I can write things like this and share it with the people I love. It's a transparency I have never known, and I need to celebrate that instead of beating myself up over not being better. But… there is still so much more room for me to be myself and to show parts of myself that can be loved, that can be encouraged, that can be cherished.
But is that okay? I mean, it's a lonely life sometimes, for sure. I am so shy, even though I have made some sorts of progress (despite one of my teachers this semester giving me the title of "the shyest student she'd ever had").
Heck, I can somewhat sing in front of people now. And I can write things like this and share it with the people I love. It's a transparency I have never known, and I need to celebrate that instead of beating myself up over not being better. But… there is still so much more room for me to be myself and to show parts of myself that can be loved, that can be encouraged, that can be cherished.
So, what does all of this mean for me?
It means that the next several months are going to be weird, hard, trippy, inspiring, dark, edgy, light, sweet, and every shade in between.
It means I need to focus on discovering and loving myself for a little while. And I am so very sorry to every person that has tried to reach out to me lately, to all of my friendships that have seemingly disappeared or run dry- I have had to spend my time lately in somewhat of a solitude (in an independent, almost nomadic state), trying to regain the inner strength needed to begin this journey with people. It's hard to show people the fire, the life I have, too, when all I've been feeling lately is rain.
Going along with all of this, under the dirt of everything, I know God is working in me right now. There is obviously a lot of weird roots being tapped into right now. A LOT of things are on the operating table. Weird heart problems, weird soul achings and past sufferings and tethered rejections are being put under the microscope, are being cut away and tied together. It's really difficult to see it all and understand the complexity of what God is doing in me as I learn and ache and laugh and talk and think, so I have been trying to relax and be as cooperative as possible. But I can have faith that God is setting me up for the beautiful work that I have ahead of me.
-MacKenzie
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
honesty
I have a really hard time writing on the days I feel the most depressed.
Don't get me wrong, it comes in waves. Good days come in much-needed stretches, usually from the hospitality of others, but bad days alone do feel the longest. On bad days, it is like every emotion that pours out of me is negative and painful and intense, and so I just try to shut it all off. I make myself numb to it all by distracting myself with ideas of how to fix everything, with dreams of what life could/should/will look like, with getting too much sleep or too little food, or with focusing on the superficial things (if I'm not careful, I spiral). But it's all putting makeup on a scarecrow and calling it a prom queen.
Some days it is easy to hide this struggle- victory feels so permanent sometimes. But I can't lie to my journal, to my blog, to people that really care, and so I just shy away from speaking or having relationships with people entirely, retreating into myself and "I'm okay, how are you?"s.
It's been this way a long while now but it's even harder now, dealing with this rejection. It doesn't help that my emotions have been so intense lately- I spent an hour earlier tonight crying about my growing feeling of self-loathing, and my Mom, and a kids movie, all in that order.
You might be wondering why I am writing all of this. I am not doing it to get attention, for sure (I really don't think anyone reads this blog, anyways). To be honest, I just want help. I believe I am not really in a place where it helps me to be invulnerable- minus some things that are a little bit more private, it doesn't benefit me to hide my struggles anymore. I just am earnestly trying to invite God to work in this part of my life by making it transparent, because it is hurting and difficult.
So, if you do read this, please pray for me! I know God is going to work in this part of my life to make me more like Him, but it's hard to remind myself of that hope sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, it comes in waves. Good days come in much-needed stretches, usually from the hospitality of others, but bad days alone do feel the longest. On bad days, it is like every emotion that pours out of me is negative and painful and intense, and so I just try to shut it all off. I make myself numb to it all by distracting myself with ideas of how to fix everything, with dreams of what life could/should/will look like, with getting too much sleep or too little food, or with focusing on the superficial things (if I'm not careful, I spiral). But it's all putting makeup on a scarecrow and calling it a prom queen.
Some days it is easy to hide this struggle- victory feels so permanent sometimes. But I can't lie to my journal, to my blog, to people that really care, and so I just shy away from speaking or having relationships with people entirely, retreating into myself and "I'm okay, how are you?"s.
It's been this way a long while now but it's even harder now, dealing with this rejection. It doesn't help that my emotions have been so intense lately- I spent an hour earlier tonight crying about my growing feeling of self-loathing, and my Mom, and a kids movie, all in that order.
You might be wondering why I am writing all of this. I am not doing it to get attention, for sure (I really don't think anyone reads this blog, anyways). To be honest, I just want help. I believe I am not really in a place where it helps me to be invulnerable- minus some things that are a little bit more private, it doesn't benefit me to hide my struggles anymore. I just am earnestly trying to invite God to work in this part of my life by making it transparent, because it is hurting and difficult.
So, if you do read this, please pray for me! I know God is going to work in this part of my life to make me more like Him, but it's hard to remind myself of that hope sometimes.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
from my walk with God at home
 |
| I took the road less traveled. |
 |
| There is so much green. |
 |
| Life can grow out of dead things. |
 |
| This sunny place is my happy place. |
 |
| Strawberry lemonade. It is my greatest creation yet. |
Friday, April 24, 2015
identity (free to be me)
I'm not going to apologize anymore
for being who I am
and what I love.
that one minute I love doo-wop music
and the next Aerosmith
and the next Regina Spektor.
I won't apologize
for the combat boots with sundresses
and the red lipstick that might get on my teeth.
I won't apologize
for wanting to play in fountains
and thinking people talk too loud
but loving loud laughter that fills space.
I won't apologize
for loving America and France and Canada
and not knowing where I will end up.
I won't apologize for the some days
I can't get out of bed
and for the posts that are too painfully long
(and personal.)
I won't apologize for having
a young girl's heart,
a wrinkled woman's mind,
and a twenty-year old's body.
I won't apologize for not caring
if they mess up my order,
if they don't like to walk slow,
if they think they can do better.
I won't apologize for changing things
that people say they love
sooo much about me
because their opinions don't make a home
in my heart.
(mine do.)
I won't apologize for the light and love
that shines out of my smile
that I can't control
because it's not my own.
I won't apologize for how hard I work on little things
or how deep I love,
or how much I love.
even if they don't deserve it.
even if it hurts.
even if I know they don't feel the same.
because that's also not mine, either.
…………….
I won't apologize for being me,
Sister,
Friend,
Helper.
Big Mac,
Kenzie,
Button,
or Bird Hair.
My soul is what it is- freely, all me.
for being who I am
and what I love.
that one minute I love doo-wop music
and the next Aerosmith
and the next Regina Spektor.
I won't apologize
for the combat boots with sundresses
and the red lipstick that might get on my teeth.
I won't apologize
for wanting to play in fountains
and thinking people talk too loud
but loving loud laughter that fills space.
I won't apologize
for loving America and France and Canada
and not knowing where I will end up.
I won't apologize for the some days
I can't get out of bed
and for the posts that are too painfully long
(and personal.)
I won't apologize for having
a young girl's heart,
a wrinkled woman's mind,
and a twenty-year old's body.
I won't apologize for not caring
if they mess up my order,
if they don't like to walk slow,
if they think they can do better.
I won't apologize for changing things
that people say they love
sooo much about me
because their opinions don't make a home
in my heart.
(mine do.)
I won't apologize for the light and love
that shines out of my smile
that I can't control
because it's not my own.
I won't apologize for how hard I work on little things
or how deep I love,
or how much I love.
even if they don't deserve it.
even if it hurts.
even if I know they don't feel the same.
because that's also not mine, either.
…………….
I won't apologize for being me,
Sister,
Friend,
Helper.
Big Mac,
Kenzie,
Button,
or Bird Hair.
My soul is what it is- freely, all me.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Obviously, a lot of questions have been on my mind. Especially about marriage and what it is and relationships and what they're supposed to look like and what singleness is supposed to look like and why the heck it all happens, to people, to everyone.
I'm really considering writing a book (or maybe just a really long blog article that everyone can republish and repin and pretend is awesome). Even if it is just for me, maybe it could help some struggling girl out there. I mean, after not really being single for three years and then having it thrust upon me (and just with everything else going on), I am gearing up for some BIG things (everyone keeps telling me that, but it does honestly feel big and purposeful, because otherwise if it's not, it just all sucks). There's a lot of lessons being learned and to be learned through this process.
PS everyone should read the article below. It does relate to marriage, but it is such a bigger picture than that. God wants to set you free of everything. Of all expectations. And even of the things you think you want, but aren't good for you.
what's in the works
Saturday was Thunder, with these goobers. Yes, I AM loving it (minus a bad gyro and wandering around looking for a semi-private bathroom).
My Mom came down on Monday and we had lunch together (Wild Eggs downtown is so good). She is an awesome best friend and will always help me pick my feet up.
I have received several big pieces of news over this past week!
That I forgot an important assignment (oops).
That I can't sign up for a class I was banking on.
That I got a scholarship for this summer (even though I haven't been officially accepted to the program, haha- I'm getting nervous, because I really do want it).
That I have an interview for a summer job.
That the next counseling session I can have is a month from now.
That I should just go ahead and work on getting over things.
I have also been cooking things and watching things and learning things and praying things. There are points when life feels empty as ever, but I think because I'm not used to it filling up more with the right things.
It is all busy (sooo busy) but good. I am praying everything works out- praying that God would shatter the shallow dreams I have and fill it with only the truly right things He wants for me.
Lovingly,
MacKenzie
Sunday, April 12, 2015
At the Table (Hospitality & Hope)
My more temporary role or purpose has been on my mind lately (I know my eternal purpose, to spread the good news of Jesus, but the Bible doesn't say how MacKenzie should do that today / tomorrow / 5 / 20 years from now). Since I have more time now, I wish to use it wisely and beautifully, so I have been praying that God would guide me to what I am supposed to be doing.
First off, I would not be where I am right now without my community, without the love of these beautiful Jesus-loving men and women in my life that has been helping to renew and refresh my broken, aching heart. With Jesus, my heart doesn't even feel broken anymore! It feels new, it feels joyful, it feels hopeful. They have been serving me with love and encouragement and just by being my friend, including me and caring about me. That is the only reason I went to church this morning.
I knew I was just where I was supposed to be this morning when I got out of the car outside of the church building. I was nervous (except I knew Kari was going to be there, and I was excited to see her and surprise her), up until a man who just seemed to have a Sunday-every-day peace about him walked besides us.
"Isn't this such beautiful weather? I wish it was like this all the time." He paused. "Well, I guess I wouldn't appreciate its beauty if we didn't also have the cold and the rain, too."
SERIOUSLY. SUCH A SIMPLE BUT DEEP MESSAGE. GOD USING BROKEN PEOPLE TO SHOW HIS LOVE AND TEACH OTHER PEOPLE THINGS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
They talked at the service today through 1 Peter 4:7-11- about how "simple, ordinary Christian hospitality" is so underrated, and that it has such a great significance. The pastor spoke about in doing that, that there's the possibility we could end up entertaining angels at our dinner table… he joked that in the final hours, we should be "popping enchiladas into the oven and inviting the neighbors over."
Something that I have noticed about myself for a while now is that looking back over the past year, I have gained the most joy and feel as though I have had the greatest eternal impact by engaging in acts of hospitality towards others. This year, I had the opportunity to co-host a Galentine's Day event that I hope fostered "lady"ship and community among the dear, loved women in my life. I also offered up my bed and an air mattress to a group of traveling missionary students who blessed me so, so much more in return.
Something else I realized, in going to this church and dreaming of this community that shows genuine hospitality to one another, is that if I find a community like that, I will never have to fear being or feeling alone. To almost totally vanquish that fear is the biggest relief I could have imagined. As a person who gets stuck on the outside a lot, authentic hospitality is what I have been hoping for, as to change from stranger to friend, but if I were show this hospitality, those other people would go from stranger to friend as well.
He warned that yes, a commitment to hospitality is sometimes hard. Sometimes, you have to set boundaries so you do not get worn down. I have experienced that issue (although I am working on learning about boundaries).
When I think of hospitality, I think of the song I included above. I think of all of the people I have loved, and how I wish I could be there with them now. I mostly think of my Charleston friends. I think of Bettina, my host Mom this summer, and Yvette, the woman who cooked meals for us.
Hospitality, especially in my weeks of loneliness and suffering, has been so impactful and life-changing. I believe, besides praying ceaselessly and evangelizing and discipling students, it the most powerful thing I can help contribute to for next year.
In saying all of this, I am PRAYING I can find job on/near campus this summer (specifically a job that is up in the air). I am praying that I can be a part of the community here that I love and so I can pour back into them. I am praying for "family" meals and frisbee on campus. Staying at home will make it a lonely summer, but it (hopefully) won't lessen my love and desire to grow (it will just change how I have to do that). I am so excited about the summer and the fall. :)
Love always perseveres,
MacKenzie
celebrate
Lord, I am so sorry I have looked so long for water in broken cisterns when I know all along where to find living water.
My joy right now is an eternal one. It is so full. Albeit, I am physically tired, but my weary smile just marks my contentedness in the life I have been living recently. Before, I just felt tired without any joy.
I feel more at peace about this break-up. If it is meant to be and worth it, then God will make it happen that way. If not, God will show me it's not right, and that He has bigger and better things in store for me. Whether it is or not, I know that God has awesome things in store for me, and maybe soon!
Still, though, interactions with men are so hard. I can still see myself seeking their approval and valuing their words most. It is so easy to see tempting, attractive things in men right now. I'm just looking for Jesus in them. I want to know what the man I should end up with someday (or if I should even have one), because I am so confused about what God wants for me. I thought I knew- I thought I knew better than God about what I need.
I feel really convicted over the last couple of days about giving up my desires and dreams and just following Jesus with my whole heart. There are some certain things I really believed God was just going to give me because He loves me. But it's not about me- it is about Him and His glory. I got caught up in the world and could not see that.
This weekend has been a whirlwind, but it is already one hundred times better than last week. It feels like I am just now waking up from a hazy nightmare that I have been living all year. A year of depression and pride issues and dependency and fear. I have no idea how I was so involved in ministry while struggling to survive life, but although good did come of things, it was not good in itself. I see that now, how much different my ministry on this campus could have looked. But this isn't a time to focus on regret of the past, but repentance and focusing on the potential ministry I can have this year.
I had no idea how much my unhealthy relationship impacted and hindered my ability to share Christ with others. I faced a lot of struggles, but some could have been avoided or at least easier with being single (and that, my friends, is something I never would have expected to say, ever). I understand why Cru recruits single ladies. I understand why I am supposed to be a said single-lady for a while. It is so I can use this time to really pour into other women, to have more of an eternal impact on my campus.
This weekend was "spring training" for leadership for the Central Kentucky region of Cru. We listened to some talks and each campus began to prepare for the upcoming school year. In the beginning it was really difficult to listen to the talks, mostly because of how much pain I was experiencing and how much memories and past feelings were being brought up. But by the end, I felt so free, I was on the brink of celebrating. I got to share with and laugh with friends (I hurt my sides from laughing so hard). I got to enjoy the beautiful outdoors with them. I got to stay up late exchanging poop stories and spying on the boys with them.
We had a chance to love on and encourage one another as a leadership team in a beautiful way, in a way that reflected Jesus and gave me so much hope. And they encouraged me that although this year was hard and the soil was rocky, there was still fruit on our campus. And it is not about me, or my prideful heart, but God and what He wants. And He has some AMAZING things in store for next year. I am so pumped to be a part of things (hopefully I will be on leadership again so I can be personally involved in the planning of these things, but I am just as content to be a part of things and help make an eternal impact on the campus).
I am going to be writing another post about my experience on Sunday, about my summer, and about my dreams and goals for the (near) future.
With hope,
MacKenzie
My joy right now is an eternal one. It is so full. Albeit, I am physically tired, but my weary smile just marks my contentedness in the life I have been living recently. Before, I just felt tired without any joy.
I feel more at peace about this break-up. If it is meant to be and worth it, then God will make it happen that way. If not, God will show me it's not right, and that He has bigger and better things in store for me. Whether it is or not, I know that God has awesome things in store for me, and maybe soon!
Still, though, interactions with men are so hard. I can still see myself seeking their approval and valuing their words most. It is so easy to see tempting, attractive things in men right now. I'm just looking for Jesus in them. I want to know what the man I should end up with someday (or if I should even have one), because I am so confused about what God wants for me. I thought I knew- I thought I knew better than God about what I need.
I feel really convicted over the last couple of days about giving up my desires and dreams and just following Jesus with my whole heart. There are some certain things I really believed God was just going to give me because He loves me. But it's not about me- it is about Him and His glory. I got caught up in the world and could not see that.
This weekend has been a whirlwind, but it is already one hundred times better than last week. It feels like I am just now waking up from a hazy nightmare that I have been living all year. A year of depression and pride issues and dependency and fear. I have no idea how I was so involved in ministry while struggling to survive life, but although good did come of things, it was not good in itself. I see that now, how much different my ministry on this campus could have looked. But this isn't a time to focus on regret of the past, but repentance and focusing on the potential ministry I can have this year.
I had no idea how much my unhealthy relationship impacted and hindered my ability to share Christ with others. I faced a lot of struggles, but some could have been avoided or at least easier with being single (and that, my friends, is something I never would have expected to say, ever). I understand why Cru recruits single ladies. I understand why I am supposed to be a said single-lady for a while. It is so I can use this time to really pour into other women, to have more of an eternal impact on my campus.
This weekend was "spring training" for leadership for the Central Kentucky region of Cru. We listened to some talks and each campus began to prepare for the upcoming school year. In the beginning it was really difficult to listen to the talks, mostly because of how much pain I was experiencing and how much memories and past feelings were being brought up. But by the end, I felt so free, I was on the brink of celebrating. I got to share with and laugh with friends (I hurt my sides from laughing so hard). I got to enjoy the beautiful outdoors with them. I got to stay up late exchanging poop stories and spying on the boys with them.
We had a chance to love on and encourage one another as a leadership team in a beautiful way, in a way that reflected Jesus and gave me so much hope. And they encouraged me that although this year was hard and the soil was rocky, there was still fruit on our campus. And it is not about me, or my prideful heart, but God and what He wants. And He has some AMAZING things in store for next year. I am so pumped to be a part of things (hopefully I will be on leadership again so I can be personally involved in the planning of these things, but I am just as content to be a part of things and help make an eternal impact on the campus).
I am going to be writing another post about my experience on Sunday, about my summer, and about my dreams and goals for the (near) future.
With hope,
MacKenzie
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
HE IS BIG, i'm small.
I have honestly been afraid to write again for fear of falling apart, but looking at my past scribblings is encouraging, so I am going to persevere anyways, for future MacKenzie.
Last Thursday was the worst. I wouldn't say it was rock bottom, but I wanted to give up on everything so badly. Especially with the obstacles to going home and to applying for a travel fund. With all of that, Satan really wanted to push me over the edge- he really wanted me to kill myself. It's the second closest I've ever been to actually doing it. I felt him laughing, pushing his lies on my already weak thoughts and body.
I felt so weak, but I pleaded for God to intervene. I could feel the holy spirit just fill me when I became determined, and just refused to listen to Satan anymore. His voice got quiet, I just felt the pain but also a strength that could not have been of my own power. I was reminded that even though this all combined was/is the worst pain I have been through, God is greater.
As hard as that day was, the walk since then is a little bit easier, but not much. I honestly feel like an addict in withdrawal. It is gut-wrenching. It feels like walking around with a gunshot wound (it is emotional and physical). It feels like I packed my valuables in a car that just drove away. But it was a part of me that didn't belong in there.
That was my mistake, and it always has been. When I say that, I mean that I've struggled with dependency in guy friendships and relationships for as long as I can remember. I have always expected a man to fulfill my needs, I have always made my men an idol. I have expected things from them that God was supposed to fulfill and more- I have gotten angry at them because my soul was too depraved to know how to find that security and seek that need from God.
The love of God being shown through other people in my life, though, is so refreshing. Having people pour into me from the richness of the gospel is so renewing.
It's just… even with all of this help, I am still terribly, terribly hurting. And I just want it to stop. Finding a new idol is a quick fix. But I am going to guess that this trust is experiential, because that makes it so much more impactful.
Please, if you're reading this, pray for me. Pray for my heart and my strength and not to fall into something else stupid. I feel joy coming back to me in waves and it is so sweet- please pray for more of that for me, too.
-MacKenzie
Last Thursday was the worst. I wouldn't say it was rock bottom, but I wanted to give up on everything so badly. Especially with the obstacles to going home and to applying for a travel fund. With all of that, Satan really wanted to push me over the edge- he really wanted me to kill myself. It's the second closest I've ever been to actually doing it. I felt him laughing, pushing his lies on my already weak thoughts and body.
I felt so weak, but I pleaded for God to intervene. I could feel the holy spirit just fill me when I became determined, and just refused to listen to Satan anymore. His voice got quiet, I just felt the pain but also a strength that could not have been of my own power. I was reminded that even though this all combined was/is the worst pain I have been through, God is greater.
As hard as that day was, the walk since then is a little bit easier, but not much. I honestly feel like an addict in withdrawal. It is gut-wrenching. It feels like walking around with a gunshot wound (it is emotional and physical). It feels like I packed my valuables in a car that just drove away. But it was a part of me that didn't belong in there.
That was my mistake, and it always has been. When I say that, I mean that I've struggled with dependency in guy friendships and relationships for as long as I can remember. I have always expected a man to fulfill my needs, I have always made my men an idol. I have expected things from them that God was supposed to fulfill and more- I have gotten angry at them because my soul was too depraved to know how to find that security and seek that need from God.
The love of God being shown through other people in my life, though, is so refreshing. Having people pour into me from the richness of the gospel is so renewing.
It's just… even with all of this help, I am still terribly, terribly hurting. And I just want it to stop. Finding a new idol is a quick fix. But I am going to guess that this trust is experiential, because that makes it so much more impactful.
Please, if you're reading this, pray for me. Pray for my heart and my strength and not to fall into something else stupid. I feel joy coming back to me in waves and it is so sweet- please pray for more of that for me, too.
-MacKenzie
these little posts are just for me
I have many drafts nestled away in these folders. They bring understanding, as they bring the realization that these feelings have been lingering for months- that they sit at my core in a carousel of their choice.
sweet girl, what do you want? your heart yearns. you don't find security in God so much, because you are so afraid of finding yourself alone in this dark world. light feels fading within you, and the enemy aims his sights, holding off on the trigger.
I pushed him to this. The weight of the lie stings, bears into my shoulders pushing my face almost directly into the dirt. But I made this lie my flesh- I made it my arms and set my eyes upon it.
I put up wallpaper over windows, thinking they were walls. I made plans of dreams. Because the outside is much too scary.
so, sweet girl, what do you want?
sweet girl, what do you want? your heart yearns. you don't find security in God so much, because you are so afraid of finding yourself alone in this dark world. light feels fading within you, and the enemy aims his sights, holding off on the trigger.
I pushed him to this. The weight of the lie stings, bears into my shoulders pushing my face almost directly into the dirt. But I made this lie my flesh- I made it my arms and set my eyes upon it.
I put up wallpaper over windows, thinking they were walls. I made plans of dreams. Because the outside is much too scary.
so, sweet girl, what do you want?
I hate feeling sick. I hate it in the way that not only am I already physically ill, but even in the imperfections of my health I give myself little grace. My sides hurt as if hulahooping for days and my hair is a field of wavy, unrestful hay. I have to give up the plans I had made for my day and bitterly rest.
My faith comes and goes in waves. The train of my belief is veering but pushing forward on tracks foreign to me.
I am not in that nightmare any longer. It is different, I tell myself, as I walk through a tightrope where I cannot see the net below me (it is there).
I miss the dreams I used to have. I miss how much I used to want to love myself. I miss how all I ever wanted was someone who would take pictures of me and show me their love for me.
My faith comes and goes in waves. The train of my belief is veering but pushing forward on tracks foreign to me.
I am not in that nightmare any longer. It is different, I tell myself, as I walk through a tightrope where I cannot see the net below me (it is there).
I miss the dreams I used to have. I miss how much I used to want to love myself. I miss how all I ever wanted was someone who would take pictures of me and show me their love for me.
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