saturday, june 28th, 2014
(a collection of snoozy blurbs)
yesterday, i watched my hair sink to the ground. the people cried. they rejoiced, they giggled, they stared, they dreamed. and they didn't stop.
i learned what grief means on sunday, what it should mean and what it does mean to me. repentance with a heart of walls means getting more bricks; with one of doors, letting light in. i also learned of Godly grieving and worldly grieving. i definitely am more often sorry for my actions than the core roots of sin that take hold of me.
being a follower has become one of my strongest descriptors. it always has been, but there are lies that wallow in my heart that disable me from being a leader.
[lies that I can show more of God because of my story.
lies that I deserve special treatment or pity because of where I've been.
lies that I shouldn't do or lead things back of my campus.
lies that growth is based on my teacher's spiritual maturity.
lies that instability or the unknown are things to strongly fear.]
i have started writing these lies down, because they seem so powerless sketched on my journal's insides. they can't hurt me in there (but only with God's band-aids).
my discipler and i discussed my strengths and growing areas and my vision and short and long-term goals- I love lists and how they can simply and beautifully describe orders and sets.
there is so much more but it is really difficult to capture it all. our staff people, our mentors leave tomorrow. their suitcases sit like barrels of tea before the boston tea party- we have no idea what this is going to spark, but it is going to powerful and (hopefully) take us with it.
[pink sinking like a breath / melange of life and death / all in a sun's set]
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
fast-forward
So, I am falling behind on daily blogs haha mostly because we have had such a high-content and high-quality kind of week. I am going to attempt to zoom through my last few days up until Friday.
Wednesday actually was my day off- I was so relieved to have a day to myself and to refresh my physical and emotional states. I spent it by waking up an hour late and enjoying a shower of singing really loudly. I then had an interesting discipleship adventure with my s.p. discipler Karly. We explored God's truths together on the second floor of my (empty) Charleston church. It was so majestic and the moment felt so holy up there on the second floor. Karly is a person that is gentle and giving, and I feel very blessed to have her as my discipler here.
On Wednesday we had dinner with our ministry teams (mine is outreach). We discussed our goals and what was going on with our Saturday outreach. After we did this we went out onto town for our scheduled reflection time. I made my way down with many students to the beautiful Waterfront Park and found a seat next to a sweet girl on project here. We talked and bonded for a time until we got into what people could call reflection. This is just some of the stuff I reflected on:
God I seek out so many things before you. I take your truth and make it funny money before the lies the world tells me. But your word is pure and gold- it never demoralizes, and is everlasting.
"Tossed his copper and I watched as it fell / but there wasn't any water in the wishing well…"
God, I think of myself as ruined. There are and have been too many times that I have believed that your purity was not enough to cover my sins. That I was beyond repair- that I was not worthy of the life you called for me, the life you MADE for me.
"Longing for purity…"
God, I have felt so free in your Spirit these past few days. THANK YOU for your grace and the indescribable joy that comes from knowing your truths and being in a relationship with You.
These are just some of the things I got to reflect on before my comfortable, scheduled time was interrupted by an opportunity. The girl I was sitting with overheard two European women talking in another language- peaked by curiosity, our desire for exchange sparked a twenty or so minute conversation about cultures and places and dreams. These two Slovak women were far from home and attempting to see the East Coast (from Florida to Niagara Falls) in two weeks before they had to return to Slovakia. It was amazing the transaction we had together as human beings, and the birth of a spiritual conversation began just as they had to leave to catch their bus (one was an Atheist, one was Roman-Catholic). But they noticed our interest and that Americans are normally very friendly and wanting to hear of their culture. I have spent a lot of time praising that Christians in general are called to act differently than most people, and so I think people can sometimes see this. Afterwards, an interesting possible spiritual conversation was brewing afterwards with two gentlemen, but it did not flesh out because the situation was intimidating and the time was short also. But I was just so surprised and refreshed to have outreach kinds of opportunities during my scheduled reflection time- it just goes to show you how God works on His timing and not ours. :)
NOW, onto Thursday. Work was extremely dull. I believe I was working front register and then lobby, but honestly almost all of my days blend together haha. After work on Thursday I came back to the hotel where we had delicious amazing hamburgers bought by Mr. Jim. We had a big cookout celebration in the hotel's lobby of burgers and drinks. Mr. Jim has been honestly one of my favorite things about this hotel, seeing his smiling face peek around corners and his smoking cigars outside. That night we also had worship night. It was beautiful outside so we went to the Battery to sing and celebrate God's glory together down there. We got there a bit late, but it was amazing all the same. We even were crashed by a God-loving honeymooning couple from Missouri, whom we took the chance of praying for them and their new marriage. It was a pleasure to meet and hear Robin & Trent's stories for a little while. We then went along to Cookout and I had a delicious strawberry and Oreo milkshake with a large part of my Cru family.
Let me tell you about Friday now! On Friday, I worked 8-4 on lobby the entire day (which is by the way the most physically exhausting and boring job there), and I also received the news that either me or one of my Cru co-workers would be transferred to another McDonald's in the area. That totally sent a shockwave through amy plans and hopes for possibly growing closer to Shandy and Miss Betty and Lisa and James and Lacy and Miss Mary, all of whom I was beginning to form actually really solid relationships with, emphasizing the probably abnormal respect I give them for having such a difficult and trying job. It is not sure which one of us it is, but I am planning that it will be me, because Jordan is a superstar at drive-thru and Katie is awesome too but cannot be relocated anyway. I am very nervous but also excited I guess, so please pray for my heart that it would be open and willing to go wherever God wants for me for the rest of my summer.
After work on Friday, we cooled down with a group picture, a dinner outing, and some broom ball (similar to hockey but without skates). I will just say that I fell down a lot and am sporting one big nasty bruise on my left knee, but it was also hilarious and so much fun with our group. I would love to go again (just with kneepads)!
Overall, I have very much enjoyed my week and can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks have in store. :)
Love,
MacKenzie
Wednesday actually was my day off- I was so relieved to have a day to myself and to refresh my physical and emotional states. I spent it by waking up an hour late and enjoying a shower of singing really loudly. I then had an interesting discipleship adventure with my s.p. discipler Karly. We explored God's truths together on the second floor of my (empty) Charleston church. It was so majestic and the moment felt so holy up there on the second floor. Karly is a person that is gentle and giving, and I feel very blessed to have her as my discipler here.
On Wednesday we had dinner with our ministry teams (mine is outreach). We discussed our goals and what was going on with our Saturday outreach. After we did this we went out onto town for our scheduled reflection time. I made my way down with many students to the beautiful Waterfront Park and found a seat next to a sweet girl on project here. We talked and bonded for a time until we got into what people could call reflection. This is just some of the stuff I reflected on:
God I seek out so many things before you. I take your truth and make it funny money before the lies the world tells me. But your word is pure and gold- it never demoralizes, and is everlasting.
"Tossed his copper and I watched as it fell / but there wasn't any water in the wishing well…"
God, I think of myself as ruined. There are and have been too many times that I have believed that your purity was not enough to cover my sins. That I was beyond repair- that I was not worthy of the life you called for me, the life you MADE for me.
"Longing for purity…"
God, I have felt so free in your Spirit these past few days. THANK YOU for your grace and the indescribable joy that comes from knowing your truths and being in a relationship with You.
These are just some of the things I got to reflect on before my comfortable, scheduled time was interrupted by an opportunity. The girl I was sitting with overheard two European women talking in another language- peaked by curiosity, our desire for exchange sparked a twenty or so minute conversation about cultures and places and dreams. These two Slovak women were far from home and attempting to see the East Coast (from Florida to Niagara Falls) in two weeks before they had to return to Slovakia. It was amazing the transaction we had together as human beings, and the birth of a spiritual conversation began just as they had to leave to catch their bus (one was an Atheist, one was Roman-Catholic). But they noticed our interest and that Americans are normally very friendly and wanting to hear of their culture. I have spent a lot of time praising that Christians in general are called to act differently than most people, and so I think people can sometimes see this. Afterwards, an interesting possible spiritual conversation was brewing afterwards with two gentlemen, but it did not flesh out because the situation was intimidating and the time was short also. But I was just so surprised and refreshed to have outreach kinds of opportunities during my scheduled reflection time- it just goes to show you how God works on His timing and not ours. :)
NOW, onto Thursday. Work was extremely dull. I believe I was working front register and then lobby, but honestly almost all of my days blend together haha. After work on Thursday I came back to the hotel where we had delicious amazing hamburgers bought by Mr. Jim. We had a big cookout celebration in the hotel's lobby of burgers and drinks. Mr. Jim has been honestly one of my favorite things about this hotel, seeing his smiling face peek around corners and his smoking cigars outside. That night we also had worship night. It was beautiful outside so we went to the Battery to sing and celebrate God's glory together down there. We got there a bit late, but it was amazing all the same. We even were crashed by a God-loving honeymooning couple from Missouri, whom we took the chance of praying for them and their new marriage. It was a pleasure to meet and hear Robin & Trent's stories for a little while. We then went along to Cookout and I had a delicious strawberry and Oreo milkshake with a large part of my Cru family.
Let me tell you about Friday now! On Friday, I worked 8-4 on lobby the entire day (which is by the way the most physically exhausting and boring job there), and I also received the news that either me or one of my Cru co-workers would be transferred to another McDonald's in the area. That totally sent a shockwave through amy plans and hopes for possibly growing closer to Shandy and Miss Betty and Lisa and James and Lacy and Miss Mary, all of whom I was beginning to form actually really solid relationships with, emphasizing the probably abnormal respect I give them for having such a difficult and trying job. It is not sure which one of us it is, but I am planning that it will be me, because Jordan is a superstar at drive-thru and Katie is awesome too but cannot be relocated anyway. I am very nervous but also excited I guess, so please pray for my heart that it would be open and willing to go wherever God wants for me for the rest of my summer.
After work on Friday, we cooled down with a group picture, a dinner outing, and some broom ball (similar to hockey but without skates). I will just say that I fell down a lot and am sporting one big nasty bruise on my left knee, but it was also hilarious and so much fun with our group. I would love to go again (just with kneepads)!
Overall, I have very much enjoyed my week and can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks have in store. :)
 |
| my Cru HCSP family, student and staff and kids and all. :) |
Love,
MacKenzie
transformative tuesday
Tuesday was probably the most surprisingly beautiful day of the week. Let me tell you…
I woke up to the frozen fear that comes with finding out your Aunt Flo is visiting in Charleston, haha. I was not feeling well at all and knowing I had a full shift ahead of me, I was very worried about my physical and emotional capability of thriving at work and through my jam-packed day. But God works good for those who love Him, and He works on His capabilities, not mine! By the time lunch rolled around I was dancing around while on front register and was just truly enjoying myself. One of my co-workers even asked me what was up with me (it could have been a lot of caffeine, but I think it was God's spirit in me).
Also, as a side note, there was a little boy at McDonald's that day that was seriously the cutest. He looked just like Travis at a young age and he really, really wanted a red Pokemon toy. I made sure he got one, and when they were getting ready to leave he came up to me and told me about how red was his favorite and showed me his toy and what it did. He gushed that he was a "master of Pokemon." After that I almost started crying, just because of how sweet and genuine and innocent his heart was. It was simply beautiful.
At work I also found out that one of the women I work with is a Christian. Her name is Angie and she has a beautiful tattoo of the cross and praying hands on her forearm.
We had bible study dinner after work (they let us out a few minutes late rather than earlier, so I was quite tired) on a pier on the Ashley River. It was beautiful, experiencing the sunset and exploring God's truth together. I really enjoy my bible study group- we as a whole are so diverse but in an enriching way. We are beginning to explore what it means to be truly vulnerable with each other, in an already so intimately small group.
While we were at the pier, we offered some of our pizza to a man named Patrick. My two bible study leaders shared the gospel with him and we are possibly (hopefully) going to have pizza again next week with him. :)
After bible study was women's night in which we discussed exposing not only the fruits of the Spirit and the fruits of our sin, but the roots of those "bad" fruits and how we should be rooted in God's truths (Jeremiah 17:5-10). We also received a secret sister that we are supposed to do something sweet and loving for this week.
It was just a really great night and day for my soul.
I woke up to the frozen fear that comes with finding out your Aunt Flo is visiting in Charleston, haha. I was not feeling well at all and knowing I had a full shift ahead of me, I was very worried about my physical and emotional capability of thriving at work and through my jam-packed day. But God works good for those who love Him, and He works on His capabilities, not mine! By the time lunch rolled around I was dancing around while on front register and was just truly enjoying myself. One of my co-workers even asked me what was up with me (it could have been a lot of caffeine, but I think it was God's spirit in me).
Also, as a side note, there was a little boy at McDonald's that day that was seriously the cutest. He looked just like Travis at a young age and he really, really wanted a red Pokemon toy. I made sure he got one, and when they were getting ready to leave he came up to me and told me about how red was his favorite and showed me his toy and what it did. He gushed that he was a "master of Pokemon." After that I almost started crying, just because of how sweet and genuine and innocent his heart was. It was simply beautiful.
At work I also found out that one of the women I work with is a Christian. Her name is Angie and she has a beautiful tattoo of the cross and praying hands on her forearm.
We had bible study dinner after work (they let us out a few minutes late rather than earlier, so I was quite tired) on a pier on the Ashley River. It was beautiful, experiencing the sunset and exploring God's truth together. I really enjoy my bible study group- we as a whole are so diverse but in an enriching way. We are beginning to explore what it means to be truly vulnerable with each other, in an already so intimately small group.
While we were at the pier, we offered some of our pizza to a man named Patrick. My two bible study leaders shared the gospel with him and we are possibly (hopefully) going to have pizza again next week with him. :)
After bible study was women's night in which we discussed exposing not only the fruits of the Spirit and the fruits of our sin, but the roots of those "bad" fruits and how we should be rooted in God's truths (Jeremiah 17:5-10). We also received a secret sister that we are supposed to do something sweet and loving for this week.
It was just a really great night and day for my soul.
meditative monday
My Monday (6/9) started in a very unique way- particularly, it was early. Very early- like 6AM early. My work schedule was rearranged to better suit our project needs and my McDonald's needs, and so I was scheduled to start work at 7AM on Mondays and only Mondays, which personally sounds like an evil plot against my sanity and my ability to be a productive part of McDonald's and in the rest of my day.
Working 7AM to 3PM (they let us off an hour early, hallelujah) was surprisingly easy. I took more of a supporter role the whole day and although I did not personally feel challenged I was very grateful for a less exhausting introduction to a totally new concept of working a longer, earlier shift than before. I helped with drive thru basically the whole day with a couple of co-workers throughout the day. This allowed me to get to know them a little bit better. It was also a lot easier to work knowing that I would have a break from the week on Wednesday.
Monday night, we had project dinner with our bible studies. I just wanted to put in here that I absolutely adore the staff and student-staff on project- I very much respect how they step out in faith to lead us and guide us through our walks together, and our walks in such tight quarters.
We all did a very revealing activity together to start off a difficult but necessary discussion for our project. We answered some very deep and vulnerable questions. I want to include my answers here, mostly because I shared them last night but also because this blog is my main way of reflecting.
When I think about God I feel…
in a generalized, superficial good state
When I have to trust God I feel…
sometimes overwhelmed, often blinded and helpless to what I am doing
sometimes alone, like He isn't there or guiding me
guilty as I only go to him as a last resort
When I think about God I wish…
I knew more about Him
that I had a more intimate relationship with Him
I knew what He wanted for me and my life (selfish, but true)
Sometimes I get angry at God when…
He doesn't give me what I ask for/what I think He wants for me
It frustrates me when God wants me to…
do things out of my comfort zone
confront others
The one thing I must do to please God…
is to keep having unquestionable faith (which is impossible)
is to love others perfectly (especially people who are not Christians/those who are struggling)
The one thing that frightens me about God…
is His wrath/sovereignty (that I will find punishment/death in my current sins)
The one thing I am afraid God will make me do…
is changing myself
is changing my relationships
in essence, giving up control to Him
The hardest part about this exercise was seeing how I was blind to these depths of my sin and they felt almost blasphemous as offensive to God, hearing and knowing what He deems as true and living with fruit as though it is not. It was a challenging but very growing exercise. We also discussed group unity and some other developing areas.
It was an exposing process but I know it is going to be used to glorify God more, so I can't wait to get on that train. :)
-MacK
It was an exposing process but I know it is going to be used to glorify God more, so I can't wait to get on that train. :)
-MacK
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
walking in the light
As much as I have found all of the devotionals we have had thus far on project to be helpful and relevant, the devotional I had the pleasure to hear on Sunday by Mr. Jon Eagin was probably the one of the more spiritually enlightening and challenging (just to be expanded upon on Tuesday night). We discussed vulnerability as it is discussed in 1 John 1:5-10.
I encourage every person of any belief, Christian or not (but especially too if you are walking with God in a relationship with Him because this may just ROCK YOUR WORLD), to weigh these verses on their heart.
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us."
I am also going to confess some things to this blog and whoever may read it. As revealed to me through my bible studies and personal time with the Lord, I have realized that I have been a pretender for a very large amount of my time as a Christian. By pretending, I mean that I diminish my sin and like to believe and appear like I am not as bad as what I really am (which is pretty dang bad, if I can be honest with y'all). I am so desperate to pretend these things that I have an awful habit of hiding the bad AND the good sometimes from people (as seen in my crippling shyness and shallow relationships with people). I can speak generically and talk circles around my sins like ordering a #1 combo instead of saying I want a Big Mac without onions with extra Mac sauce. I downplay the real issues I am having when I do feel vulnerable enough to discuss them with others, speaking in cryptic terms that still attempt to paint a "beautiful" but blurred picture of what is going on. In doing these things, I shrink the height and magnitude of the cross and wear a mask around Christians and non-Christians alike to try to seem like I am more perfect than what I truly am.
As comes with all things held in, pressure builds, and those root sins left unexposed come out in habits of sin, attitude, and action. We hold onto and hide our wounds, our pasts, and our personalities. Our spiritual health decays.
But… you all know that living that way is not genuine. I know it, too. I feel it so often in fibbing about my current state. So I guess the question to answer is, what is the source of salvation for a pretender?
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
John tells us that as relational beings are called to walk in the light. If you anything like me, when you read that verse you brushed away the phrase "walking in the light." It is easy enough to interpret that God is light in his holiness and purity and by Him everything else is illuminated, but what does it mean for me personally to walk in the light? Am I not already automatically just by being a Christian?
The answer to that is no. As a Christian, walking in the light entails a journey and pursuit of light. It entails being open and exposed to others and to God as we seek purity and holiness like Him.
OPEN AND EXPOSED, friends. Those words strike so much fear in my heart. I can barely confront a waiter about getting a root beer instead of a Coke, let alone be open and vulnerable with people about the condition of my heart! It has been a ride since Sunday, attempting to be vulnerable and approachable with other people on project.
It has been an adventure to say the least, but… I think I can take off my mask with these people. It is safe and most of my struggles fall on understanding and empathetic ears.
But what about the deep, real stuff? I am still very afraid of exposing myself, of taking off the makeup I have caked on for my benefit and my own righteousness, for my last-ditch shield against hurt and actually dealing with these things. But exposing myself (not to everyone, but some) in this kind of way is going to allow me to have a true and deep fellowship with them. I don't want to have two sides of one very inauthentic relationship. And I should not do that with God, either, because He knows the depths of my heart, even those I do not wish to explore.
There is hope in walking in the light. It is terrifying to be exposed, but in that Jesus can purify us of our sins (even the ones hardest to share). I can speak to that for my own experience- for certain particularly hard parts of my walk I have had to seek the advice and fellowship of others. I had to be vulnerable around those that I really did not want to. There are certain things I held onto for months that wreaked their havoc in my life until I finally approached them with vulnerability and an openness to God and others, and only then did I not feel helpless to them.
Anyways, I am still exploring these ideas and verses, but that is just a snippet of the content and truth that has been revealed to me this week. :)
It has been an adventure to say the least, but… I think I can take off my mask with these people. It is safe and most of my struggles fall on understanding and empathetic ears.
But what about the deep, real stuff? I am still very afraid of exposing myself, of taking off the makeup I have caked on for my benefit and my own righteousness, for my last-ditch shield against hurt and actually dealing with these things. But exposing myself (not to everyone, but some) in this kind of way is going to allow me to have a true and deep fellowship with them. I don't want to have two sides of one very inauthentic relationship. And I should not do that with God, either, because He knows the depths of my heart, even those I do not wish to explore.
There is hope in walking in the light. It is terrifying to be exposed, but in that Jesus can purify us of our sins (even the ones hardest to share). I can speak to that for my own experience- for certain particularly hard parts of my walk I have had to seek the advice and fellowship of others. I had to be vulnerable around those that I really did not want to. There are certain things I held onto for months that wreaked their havoc in my life until I finally approached them with vulnerability and an openness to God and others, and only then did I not feel helpless to them.
Anyways, I am still exploring these ideas and verses, but that is just a snippet of the content and truth that has been revealed to me this week. :)
Sunday, June 8, 2014
working for the weekend..
DAY FOURTEEN! (Saturday)
On Saturday, we went out and did outreach at a local mall. Praise the Lord I finally got to see some evangelism in action today! I went with Margaret (one of my roommates) and Lisa and got denied several times before doing Soularium and the KGP with Linda, Tiffany, and Donna. Tiffany was a Christian, but Linda and Donna were searching and curious to hear about Christianity. They did not accept Jesus but I could tell they moved spiritually over the course of our conversation closer to Him. It was intriguing to sit back and watch over a conversation that had visible signs of movement.
After outreach, I went back to the hotel and had a two or so hours-long conversation about life and some heart issues with one of my roommates. Because maybe we all have had some lacking relationships in our lives, I feel like in this summer project environment there is a potential to have a blooming and healthy friendship with every person on project but especially with my roommates and Cru co-workers. I do feel free to share most things with them without judgment or disdain casted upon me, and I see myself opening up.
Saturday night some of our group spontaneously watched Tangled on my laptop in the Magnolia room, making a blanket and snuggle pile of pillows and popcorn and physical and emotional closeness. There was also serendipitously a purple and gold wedding outside that night that was putting up floating love lanterns into the sky (PS with the wind they are not as beautiful as in the movie, haha).
DAY FIFTEEN! (Today)
Today is Sunday, and I cannot believe the weekend flew by so quickly. We went to Cathedral again today, but today's service was much different. It was not as intimidating and wow, did glimpses of the glory of God take over my thoughts in that place. I felt comfortable in the dialogues and the prayers and the worship. The only part that was particularly difficult for me to overcome was watching at the time people came to the front of the church to be prayed over. I saw people of all walks of life approach together and request guidance and that God's Spirit would enter and guide them. But the most difficult part of watching this experience was seeing families- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, sisters and brothers- walking up together to experience the Lord together. At that point I began to hold back sorrowful tears, but even in that moment God still gave me hope to having that one day, even if I am not sure who I will be approaching the front with.
After church, we went to this amazing experience in Charleston called Second Sunday where they shut the traffic down on King Street and allow people to set up booths and outdoor dining areas. There were so many people and live musicians and dogs roaming the streets and enjoying Charleston together, and it seemed to be more alluring with every step and every intriguing detail of this holiday on the last day of the Spoleto Art Festival.
So, as I look out into the abyss that is my next week of working at McDonald's and seeing where the Lord takes me in Charleston, I feel so much of God's peace and Spirit in me. I feel His love pouring out of me and somehow into some of the people around me, and I feel the same process in those around me. It is such a beautiful thing.
(May the peace of God be with you.)
On Saturday, we went out and did outreach at a local mall. Praise the Lord I finally got to see some evangelism in action today! I went with Margaret (one of my roommates) and Lisa and got denied several times before doing Soularium and the KGP with Linda, Tiffany, and Donna. Tiffany was a Christian, but Linda and Donna were searching and curious to hear about Christianity. They did not accept Jesus but I could tell they moved spiritually over the course of our conversation closer to Him. It was intriguing to sit back and watch over a conversation that had visible signs of movement.
After outreach, I went back to the hotel and had a two or so hours-long conversation about life and some heart issues with one of my roommates. Because maybe we all have had some lacking relationships in our lives, I feel like in this summer project environment there is a potential to have a blooming and healthy friendship with every person on project but especially with my roommates and Cru co-workers. I do feel free to share most things with them without judgment or disdain casted upon me, and I see myself opening up.
Saturday night some of our group spontaneously watched Tangled on my laptop in the Magnolia room, making a blanket and snuggle pile of pillows and popcorn and physical and emotional closeness. There was also serendipitously a purple and gold wedding outside that night that was putting up floating love lanterns into the sky (PS with the wind they are not as beautiful as in the movie, haha).
DAY FIFTEEN! (Today)
Today is Sunday, and I cannot believe the weekend flew by so quickly. We went to Cathedral again today, but today's service was much different. It was not as intimidating and wow, did glimpses of the glory of God take over my thoughts in that place. I felt comfortable in the dialogues and the prayers and the worship. The only part that was particularly difficult for me to overcome was watching at the time people came to the front of the church to be prayed over. I saw people of all walks of life approach together and request guidance and that God's Spirit would enter and guide them. But the most difficult part of watching this experience was seeing families- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, sisters and brothers- walking up together to experience the Lord together. At that point I began to hold back sorrowful tears, but even in that moment God still gave me hope to having that one day, even if I am not sure who I will be approaching the front with.
After church, we went to this amazing experience in Charleston called Second Sunday where they shut the traffic down on King Street and allow people to set up booths and outdoor dining areas. There were so many people and live musicians and dogs roaming the streets and enjoying Charleston together, and it seemed to be more alluring with every step and every intriguing detail of this holiday on the last day of the Spoleto Art Festival.
So, as I look out into the abyss that is my next week of working at McDonald's and seeing where the Lord takes me in Charleston, I feel so much of God's peace and Spirit in me. I feel His love pouring out of me and somehow into some of the people around me, and I feel the same process in those around me. It is such a beautiful thing.
(May the peace of God be with you.)
big(ger) mac (6/2-6/6)
DAY NINE! (Monday)
This Monday was my first day at McDonald's. I arrived with Katie and Jordan dressed to impress in our McDonald's uniforms and visors, haha. I had NO idea what to expect. I had no idea that they would put me on back drive thru, listening to people's orders and putting in their orders for the kitchen to make/prepare. I had no idea that we would be in the ethnic and socioeconomic minorities. I had no idea that there would be little on the surface that would allow me to relate to these people. But PRAISE THE LORD that He is powerful and can penetrate into a place as broken and performance-driven as McDonald's. I made one friend- her name is Shandy, and she worked drive thru with me. She gave me so much grace and actually genuinely wanted to work with me- I was sad when she had to leave early for a family emergency that she told me about and I genuinely wanted to pray and love on her. After that, I worked and talked with a man named James from New York. On this day I felt really encouraged to know that I was in a workplace surrounded by people that would give grace. And we got to leave an hour or so early! That felt like an amazing gift.
I do not remember much of Monday night except that I was so exhausted. Lisa kept asking if something was wrong with me, and honestly I did not know if I was or not (I told her I was because I knew I would be okay with God's help, but PHEW it was hard to keep that faith). I knew there was no way I could make it through the week without getting more rest and asking God to prepare my heart more for the trials I would see at work.
DAY TEN! (Tuesday)
They had me working drive thru again. Shandy was not there, but I made some new acquaintances and started to permeate names. I worked with Cherell and Drea and Rashonda, who all gave me a great deal of grace when working with the computer. Cherell even allowed me to try working the cash register until I messed up and charged the wrong person with the wrong order (it was quickly fixed, however). But something that came to my mind was that the phrase kept popping up that labor was high. I realized that we are taking the hours of people who could really use them, working a full-time shift here for 2 months. We spoke with our manager and prayed that we would only work 4 (long) days a week.
After getting off early, several of us made a trek to Wal-Mart in Mount Pleasant where I bought some work pants and clothes hangers. I made it back to bible study and shared my testimony (yes, all of it, even the parts most people have no clue about) to a group of girls I had only known for not even two weeks! I will tell you all, something was moving in my heart. We also had women's night where we discussed Eve and how our external circumstances do not justify our sin.
DAY ELEVEN! (Wednesday)
Today, I met another assistant manager. She was very polite and gave grace to us new employees but did not personally see our progress made earlier in the week and placed us wherever she felt was open. I was first put in the position of cleaning the lobby. It was busy work but refreshing to the hustle and bustle of the back drive thru. I enjoyed dancing around while cleaning tables and being thorough with my sweeping. After that I was then put on french fries during lunch rush. Y'all, I can now say that I HATE fries. This was one of the most difficult tasks personally of my entire week- after working for 3 or so hours on fries I began to feel nauseous and so light-headed next to the oil vats and the heating trays. I was also just feeling awful whenever my co-workers would poke fun at me for being slow at fries and it hurt when they would dump out and re-scoop the fries I had already done. I felt like a hindrance at that point. I had not been keeping hydrated and honestly in such a performance-driven role I felt so mentally and physically sick of failing that I would have preferred passing out over continuing to do fries any longer. But thank the Lord I made it to my break at 2:30 and survived on a light shift of fries afterward, being careful to hydrate and to walk away from the heat every once in a while.
After work we met up with our ministry teams and discussed outreach goals of the week. I still need to do my part in it, actually, writing encouraging notes for each room about being more motivated to share with their co-workers in McDonald's. We had a reflection time at Waterfront Park afterwards that I did not get to fully capitalize on- I was mentally exhausted and honestly did not feel like I could reflect in my state on all God was trying to teach me about my experience, so I spent my time resting and talking with Travis on the phone because I hadn't devoted time to him and our relationship for several days. Our group then walked back to the church where we prayed in groups over our jobs and our experiences and different aspects of our lives that God was and is working in.
DAY TWELVE! (Thursday)
Thursday at McDonald's was a spiritually exhausting day, but praise the Lord for pushing me to rely on His strength and not my own. I worked front register with a sprinkling of fries at the end. I worked with Angie who was very sweet and told me about her four kids with such a strong love that I found refreshing in such a dark place. But Thursday also had some of the biggest trials of the week. I overheard some of the employees discussing that they had to hire us, making it seem as though we are a hindrance more than a help. Also, on front register during lunch I found myself yelled at by a curmudgeonly old woman who I thought may have had a stroke but was in fact a very passionate, heavily-accented Irish woman. I thought I was going to immediately die when she sarcastically asked if I knew what black coffee was, but she more so abused my assistant manager who stuck up for me with shocking seemingly-racist remarks and such a rudeness that left me personally shaking for an hour afterwards. He just ranted for a few minutes with her out of earshot about how no one should yell at him (although everyone does) and then he went on with his duties.
It was on that day that I realized why this place was as dark as it was, and why it was burdening me in such a strange way when I went back to my cozy bible studies. It is because working at McDonald's is, honestly, humiliating. People judge you and your status in their words as they order their food and in their treatment of you whether things are right or wrong. There is little grace except for the kind souls that have patience and love on their hearts that you can see in their easy smiles. But most are not this- they order from the dollar menu with ridiculous specificity and impatient, selfish motives. No wonder my assistant manger snorts cocaine and my co-worker hopes to get so drunk he doesn't remember the weekend. I think he just does not want to remember the endless weeks he sees of being persecuted and judged and humiliated for a difficult and performance-based job.
After that, we had a free night. I was so happy, because I personally needed a treat-myself kind of night. I spent it getting dinner with two of my roommates and chilling out in my hotel room, attempting to gain enough momentum to make it through one more day of work for the week.
DAY THIRTEEN! (Friday)
On Friday I finally understood the term TGIF, haha. I worked front register which was not as intimidating or as scary as Thursday (although I was praying that Irish woman would never, ever come back). We left early again with the labor being too high, and I saw James off for his first day off in weeks.
After work, we had a project social which was a fun game night. As I mentioned a little bit before, I think my work at McDonald's is doing a lot more with my heart personally than I would have hoped for or even expected. Because it is just such a socially straining job for me, I have really been coming out of my shell off the clock with people on project. Hiding myself and my experiences now feels exhausting when a lot of us are going through the same thing (I have seen my experiences bring light to others while I have been here), and I actually feel free to be vulnerable and myself around these people without worrying about whether they love me or not. Lisa boasts in how I seem to be metamorphic in my allowing myself to be free. But I can tell I am not drunk on myself or exhaustion (okay, maybe a little bit)- I am filled with God's Spirit inside of me and He is doing some beautiful things in my heart and in my world. :)
After social, we went to Krispy Kreme for National Donut Day and rode with the windows down to Folly Beach. We walked along the pier and the beach, laughing and enjoying a restful celebration of no work for the weekend. I was still tired naturally from a long week but found myself caught up happily in the laughing and good conversations I had with my new friends along the water's edge.
This Monday was my first day at McDonald's. I arrived with Katie and Jordan dressed to impress in our McDonald's uniforms and visors, haha. I had NO idea what to expect. I had no idea that they would put me on back drive thru, listening to people's orders and putting in their orders for the kitchen to make/prepare. I had no idea that we would be in the ethnic and socioeconomic minorities. I had no idea that there would be little on the surface that would allow me to relate to these people. But PRAISE THE LORD that He is powerful and can penetrate into a place as broken and performance-driven as McDonald's. I made one friend- her name is Shandy, and she worked drive thru with me. She gave me so much grace and actually genuinely wanted to work with me- I was sad when she had to leave early for a family emergency that she told me about and I genuinely wanted to pray and love on her. After that, I worked and talked with a man named James from New York. On this day I felt really encouraged to know that I was in a workplace surrounded by people that would give grace. And we got to leave an hour or so early! That felt like an amazing gift.
I do not remember much of Monday night except that I was so exhausted. Lisa kept asking if something was wrong with me, and honestly I did not know if I was or not (I told her I was because I knew I would be okay with God's help, but PHEW it was hard to keep that faith). I knew there was no way I could make it through the week without getting more rest and asking God to prepare my heart more for the trials I would see at work.
DAY TEN! (Tuesday)
They had me working drive thru again. Shandy was not there, but I made some new acquaintances and started to permeate names. I worked with Cherell and Drea and Rashonda, who all gave me a great deal of grace when working with the computer. Cherell even allowed me to try working the cash register until I messed up and charged the wrong person with the wrong order (it was quickly fixed, however). But something that came to my mind was that the phrase kept popping up that labor was high. I realized that we are taking the hours of people who could really use them, working a full-time shift here for 2 months. We spoke with our manager and prayed that we would only work 4 (long) days a week.
After getting off early, several of us made a trek to Wal-Mart in Mount Pleasant where I bought some work pants and clothes hangers. I made it back to bible study and shared my testimony (yes, all of it, even the parts most people have no clue about) to a group of girls I had only known for not even two weeks! I will tell you all, something was moving in my heart. We also had women's night where we discussed Eve and how our external circumstances do not justify our sin.
DAY ELEVEN! (Wednesday)
Today, I met another assistant manager. She was very polite and gave grace to us new employees but did not personally see our progress made earlier in the week and placed us wherever she felt was open. I was first put in the position of cleaning the lobby. It was busy work but refreshing to the hustle and bustle of the back drive thru. I enjoyed dancing around while cleaning tables and being thorough with my sweeping. After that I was then put on french fries during lunch rush. Y'all, I can now say that I HATE fries. This was one of the most difficult tasks personally of my entire week- after working for 3 or so hours on fries I began to feel nauseous and so light-headed next to the oil vats and the heating trays. I was also just feeling awful whenever my co-workers would poke fun at me for being slow at fries and it hurt when they would dump out and re-scoop the fries I had already done. I felt like a hindrance at that point. I had not been keeping hydrated and honestly in such a performance-driven role I felt so mentally and physically sick of failing that I would have preferred passing out over continuing to do fries any longer. But thank the Lord I made it to my break at 2:30 and survived on a light shift of fries afterward, being careful to hydrate and to walk away from the heat every once in a while.
After work we met up with our ministry teams and discussed outreach goals of the week. I still need to do my part in it, actually, writing encouraging notes for each room about being more motivated to share with their co-workers in McDonald's. We had a reflection time at Waterfront Park afterwards that I did not get to fully capitalize on- I was mentally exhausted and honestly did not feel like I could reflect in my state on all God was trying to teach me about my experience, so I spent my time resting and talking with Travis on the phone because I hadn't devoted time to him and our relationship for several days. Our group then walked back to the church where we prayed in groups over our jobs and our experiences and different aspects of our lives that God was and is working in.
DAY TWELVE! (Thursday)
Thursday at McDonald's was a spiritually exhausting day, but praise the Lord for pushing me to rely on His strength and not my own. I worked front register with a sprinkling of fries at the end. I worked with Angie who was very sweet and told me about her four kids with such a strong love that I found refreshing in such a dark place. But Thursday also had some of the biggest trials of the week. I overheard some of the employees discussing that they had to hire us, making it seem as though we are a hindrance more than a help. Also, on front register during lunch I found myself yelled at by a curmudgeonly old woman who I thought may have had a stroke but was in fact a very passionate, heavily-accented Irish woman. I thought I was going to immediately die when she sarcastically asked if I knew what black coffee was, but she more so abused my assistant manager who stuck up for me with shocking seemingly-racist remarks and such a rudeness that left me personally shaking for an hour afterwards. He just ranted for a few minutes with her out of earshot about how no one should yell at him (although everyone does) and then he went on with his duties.
It was on that day that I realized why this place was as dark as it was, and why it was burdening me in such a strange way when I went back to my cozy bible studies. It is because working at McDonald's is, honestly, humiliating. People judge you and your status in their words as they order their food and in their treatment of you whether things are right or wrong. There is little grace except for the kind souls that have patience and love on their hearts that you can see in their easy smiles. But most are not this- they order from the dollar menu with ridiculous specificity and impatient, selfish motives. No wonder my assistant manger snorts cocaine and my co-worker hopes to get so drunk he doesn't remember the weekend. I think he just does not want to remember the endless weeks he sees of being persecuted and judged and humiliated for a difficult and performance-based job.
After that, we had a free night. I was so happy, because I personally needed a treat-myself kind of night. I spent it getting dinner with two of my roommates and chilling out in my hotel room, attempting to gain enough momentum to make it through one more day of work for the week.
DAY THIRTEEN! (Friday)
On Friday I finally understood the term TGIF, haha. I worked front register which was not as intimidating or as scary as Thursday (although I was praying that Irish woman would never, ever come back). We left early again with the labor being too high, and I saw James off for his first day off in weeks.
After work, we had a project social which was a fun game night. As I mentioned a little bit before, I think my work at McDonald's is doing a lot more with my heart personally than I would have hoped for or even expected. Because it is just such a socially straining job for me, I have really been coming out of my shell off the clock with people on project. Hiding myself and my experiences now feels exhausting when a lot of us are going through the same thing (I have seen my experiences bring light to others while I have been here), and I actually feel free to be vulnerable and myself around these people without worrying about whether they love me or not. Lisa boasts in how I seem to be metamorphic in my allowing myself to be free. But I can tell I am not drunk on myself or exhaustion (okay, maybe a little bit)- I am filled with God's Spirit inside of me and He is doing some beautiful things in my heart and in my world. :)
After social, we went to Krispy Kreme for National Donut Day and rode with the windows down to Folly Beach. We walked along the pier and the beach, laughing and enjoying a restful celebration of no work for the weekend. I was still tired naturally from a long week but found myself caught up happily in the laughing and good conversations I had with my new friends along the water's edge.
playing catch-up (first week)
Almost 200 pageviews… daggone! I feel really appreciated and encouraged by you all reading my posts- I know I am no Shakespeare by all means, but knowing that my words and experiences impact others in a meaningful way and possibly (hopefully) shine as a light with my experience here is a wonderful reminder to myself of the true confidence and identity God has given me through His spirit.
On another note, I apologize for being late in getting these posts out there. With working full-time and having evening activities I may only be able to post lengthy, detailed posts once a week, sprinkled in with some fun stuff in between.
DAY FIVE! (Thursday)
Thursday was our simplest and freest day so far. I spent a lot of my time writing these blog posts. I also went grocery shopping with 2 of my roommates. One of my roommate adores cooking and sounds like a phenomenal one at that, so I am excited to experience what kinds of creations come from even such few capabilities. :) Our only planned event was worship night in which we came together as a project and sang several songs together as a group, the night being interlaced with prayer and devotion. It reminded me personally of an intimate soirée de poche.
DAY SIX! (Friday)
On Friday we had our McDonald's orientation session in which we learned so many things (it was a humongous packet). I found out that I will be working with and spending every morning and afternoon driving in a car with two lovely ladies on project who love Disney and jamming out to its music. I am definitely looking forward to singing the Lion King as the sun rises, even when we have to grudgingly drive to work at 7:30AM, haha. I am nervous about starting this job, but mostly just shaky with my confidence of my ability to perform perfectly (my own expectations) and quickly (those of the restaurant's expectations). It should definitely be interesting, and definitely a growing experience!
We were let out early for orientation, and so some people drove to the nearest WalMart and Goodwill to find some work pants. I am praying that the pants I bought before project will work fine. I found some neat red cowboy boots on the cheap (for HIMYM fans, I pull them off) and I just overall enjoyed that time with the people on my project.
That night, we had our first project social: a scavenger hunt around downtown Charleston. It was absolutely beautiful, and way too much to take in in two hours while we made a huge loop around Charleston. Our team did not win, but I have some wonderful pictures as memories of our adventures together!
DAY SEVEN! (Saturday)
Saturday was… a rough day, to put it at that. I was up late Friday night wrestling with insecurities and anxieties that honestly were not necessary (along with getting caught up with a little too much Clash of Clans, haha), so that wreaked some havoc on my confidence. Saturday morning and afternoon were scheduled to be our outreach days in which we would evangelize on the beach, but God sent us running with the rain as we found a nice and populated strip mall. I yet again did not get a chance to evangelize which was very difficult for me, but God put patience on my heart and I still spent that time in faith.
DAY EIGHT! (Sunday)
Sunday was a good day- our first morning spent at our Charleston home church for the summer. I was really nervous going to a church an Anglican church (The Cathedral of St. Luke and St. Paul)- until Mr. Bennett came to speak with us earlier in the week and reassured us that it was not heretical, but that it would be a different kind of experience. And it was so very different. We had a dialogue of sorts that was overarched with tradition and it seemed very detached and ritualistic. It was just very hard to focus and appreciate their worship of God's glory in such a new and different setting. The worship music (folk alternative) was amazing, however- it was probably my favorite part of the service that morning and hearing the voices echo in that old cathedral was so uplifting. After the service, they welcomed us with refreshments and warm handshakes while the kids played in the courtyard. It was refreshing to be surrounded by that summertime fellowship again. :) We did not get to meet our host families, but I am so so excited to get to meet and love on them and their dogs and their kids and their homes, especially after getting acquainted with my church home for the next 2 months!
I knew that after Sunday and now that work was starting, my time on project would never be the same...
On another note, I apologize for being late in getting these posts out there. With working full-time and having evening activities I may only be able to post lengthy, detailed posts once a week, sprinkled in with some fun stuff in between.
DAY FIVE! (Thursday)
Thursday was our simplest and freest day so far. I spent a lot of my time writing these blog posts. I also went grocery shopping with 2 of my roommates. One of my roommate adores cooking and sounds like a phenomenal one at that, so I am excited to experience what kinds of creations come from even such few capabilities. :) Our only planned event was worship night in which we came together as a project and sang several songs together as a group, the night being interlaced with prayer and devotion. It reminded me personally of an intimate soirée de poche.
DAY SIX! (Friday)
On Friday we had our McDonald's orientation session in which we learned so many things (it was a humongous packet). I found out that I will be working with and spending every morning and afternoon driving in a car with two lovely ladies on project who love Disney and jamming out to its music. I am definitely looking forward to singing the Lion King as the sun rises, even when we have to grudgingly drive to work at 7:30AM, haha. I am nervous about starting this job, but mostly just shaky with my confidence of my ability to perform perfectly (my own expectations) and quickly (those of the restaurant's expectations). It should definitely be interesting, and definitely a growing experience!
We were let out early for orientation, and so some people drove to the nearest WalMart and Goodwill to find some work pants. I am praying that the pants I bought before project will work fine. I found some neat red cowboy boots on the cheap (for HIMYM fans, I pull them off) and I just overall enjoyed that time with the people on my project.
That night, we had our first project social: a scavenger hunt around downtown Charleston. It was absolutely beautiful, and way too much to take in in two hours while we made a huge loop around Charleston. Our team did not win, but I have some wonderful pictures as memories of our adventures together!
DAY SEVEN! (Saturday)
Saturday was… a rough day, to put it at that. I was up late Friday night wrestling with insecurities and anxieties that honestly were not necessary (along with getting caught up with a little too much Clash of Clans, haha), so that wreaked some havoc on my confidence. Saturday morning and afternoon were scheduled to be our outreach days in which we would evangelize on the beach, but God sent us running with the rain as we found a nice and populated strip mall. I yet again did not get a chance to evangelize which was very difficult for me, but God put patience on my heart and I still spent that time in faith.
DAY EIGHT! (Sunday)
Sunday was a good day- our first morning spent at our Charleston home church for the summer. I was really nervous going to a church an Anglican church (The Cathedral of St. Luke and St. Paul)- until Mr. Bennett came to speak with us earlier in the week and reassured us that it was not heretical, but that it would be a different kind of experience. And it was so very different. We had a dialogue of sorts that was overarched with tradition and it seemed very detached and ritualistic. It was just very hard to focus and appreciate their worship of God's glory in such a new and different setting. The worship music (folk alternative) was amazing, however- it was probably my favorite part of the service that morning and hearing the voices echo in that old cathedral was so uplifting. After the service, they welcomed us with refreshments and warm handshakes while the kids played in the courtyard. It was refreshing to be surrounded by that summertime fellowship again. :) We did not get to meet our host families, but I am so so excited to get to meet and love on them and their dogs and their kids and their homes, especially after getting acquainted with my church home for the next 2 months!
I knew that after Sunday and now that work was starting, my time on project would never be the same...
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