identity (free to be me)

I'm not going to apologize anymore

for being who I am

and what I love.

that one minute I love doo-wop music

and the next Aerosmith

and the next Regina Spektor.

I won't apologize

for the combat boots with sundresses

and the red lipstick that might get on my teeth.

I won't apologize

for wanting to play in fountains

and thinking people talk too loud

but loving loud laughter that fills space.

I won't apologize

for loving America and France and Canada

and not knowing where I will end up.

I won't apologize for the some days

I can't get out of bed

and for the posts that are too painfully long

(and personal.)

I won't apologize for having

a young girl's heart,

a wrinkled woman's mind,

and a twenty-year old's body.

I won't apologize for not caring

if they mess up my order,

if they don't like to walk slow,

if they think they can do better.

I won't apologize for changing things

that people say they love

sooo much about me

because their opinions don't make a home

in my heart.

(mine do.)

I won't apologize for the light and love

that shines out of my smile

that I can't control

because it's not my own.

I won't apologize for how hard I work on little things

or how deep I love,

or how much I love.

even if they don't deserve it.

even if it hurts.

even if I know they don't feel the same.

because that's also not mine, either.


…………….


I won't apologize for being me,

Sister,

Friend,

Helper.

Big Mac,

Kenzie,

Button,

or Bird Hair.

My soul is what it is- freely, all me.

Obviously, a lot of questions have been on my mind. Especially about marriage and what it is and relationships and what they're supposed to look like and what singleness is supposed to look like and why the heck it all happens, to people, to everyone.

I'm really considering writing a book (or maybe just a really long blog article that everyone can republish and repin and pretend is awesome). Even if it is just for me, maybe it could help some struggling girl out there. I mean, after not really being single for three years and then having it thrust upon me (and just with everything else going on), I am gearing up for some BIG things (everyone keeps telling me that, but it does honestly feel big and purposeful, because otherwise if it's not, it just all sucks). There's a lot of lessons being learned and to be learned through this process.

PS everyone should read the article below. It does relate to marriage, but it is such a bigger picture than that. God wants to set you free of everything. Of all expectations. And even of the things you think you want, but aren't good for you.

http://www.abigailmarygreen.com/blog/2015/4/3/the-day-i-decided-to-stop-listening-to-what-everybodys-saying-im-supposed-to-do-why-im-not-ready-to-get-married-in-44-days

what's in the works

Saturday was Thunder, with these goobers. Yes, I AM loving it (minus a bad gyro and wandering around looking for a semi-private bathroom).

My Mom came down on Monday and we had lunch together (Wild Eggs downtown is so good). She is an awesome best friend and will always help me pick my feet up.

I have received several big pieces of news over this past week! 

That I forgot an important assignment (oops). 

That I can't sign up for a class I was banking on. 

That I got a scholarship for this summer (even though I haven't been officially accepted to the program, haha- I'm getting nervous, because I really do want it). 

That I have an interview for a summer job. 

That the next counseling session I can have is a month from now. 

That I should just go ahead and work on getting over things.

I have also been cooking things and watching things and learning things and praying things. There are points when life feels empty as ever, but I think because I'm not used to it filling up more with the right things.

It is all busy (sooo busy) but good. I am praying everything works out- praying that God would shatter the shallow dreams I have and fill it with only the truly right things He wants for me.

Lovingly,

MacKenzie

At the Table (Hospitality & Hope)

My more temporary role or purpose has been on my mind lately (I know my eternal purpose, to spread the good news of Jesus, but the Bible doesn't say how MacKenzie should do that today / tomorrow / 5 / 20 years from now). Since I have more time now, I wish to use it wisely and beautifully, so I have been praying that God would guide me to what I am supposed to be doing.

First off, I would not be where I am right now without my community, without the love of these beautiful Jesus-loving men and women in my life that has been helping to renew and refresh my broken, aching heart. With Jesus, my heart doesn't even feel broken anymore! It feels new, it feels joyful, it feels hopeful. They have been serving me with love and encouragement and just by being my friend, including me and caring about me. That is the only reason I went to church this morning.

I knew I was just where I was supposed to be this morning when I got out of the car outside of the church building. I was nervous (except I knew Kari was going to be there, and I was excited to see her and surprise her), up until a man who just seemed to have a Sunday-every-day peace about him walked besides us.

"Isn't this such beautiful weather? I wish it was like this all the time." He paused. "Well, I guess I wouldn't appreciate its beauty if we didn't also have the cold and the rain, too."

SERIOUSLY. SUCH A SIMPLE BUT DEEP MESSAGE. GOD USING BROKEN PEOPLE TO SHOW HIS LOVE AND TEACH OTHER PEOPLE THINGS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

They talked at the service today through 1 Peter 4:7-11- about how "simple, ordinary Christian hospitality" is so underrated, and that it has such a great significance. The pastor spoke about in doing that, that there's the possibility we could end up entertaining angels at our dinner table… he joked that in the final hours, we should be "popping enchiladas into the oven and inviting the neighbors over."

Something that I have noticed about myself for a while now is that looking back over the past year, I have gained the most joy and feel as though I have had the greatest eternal impact by engaging in acts of hospitality towards others. This year, I had the opportunity to co-host a Galentine's Day event that I hope fostered "lady"ship and community among the dear, loved women in my life. I also offered up my bed and an air mattress to a group of traveling missionary students who blessed me so, so much more in return.

Something else I realized, in going to this church and dreaming of this community that shows genuine hospitality to one another, is that if I find a community like that, I will never have to fear being or feeling alone. To almost totally vanquish that fear is the biggest relief I could have imagined. As a person who gets stuck on the outside a lot, authentic hospitality is what I have been hoping for, as to change from stranger to friend, but if I were show this hospitality, those other people would go from stranger to friend as well.

He warned that yes, a commitment to hospitality is sometimes hard. Sometimes, you have to set boundaries so you do not get worn down. I have experienced that issue (although I am working on learning about boundaries).

When I think of hospitality, I think of the song I included above. I think of all of the people I have loved, and how I wish I could be there with them now. I mostly think of my Charleston friends. I think of Bettina, my host Mom this summer, and Yvette, the woman who cooked meals for us.

Hospitality, especially in my weeks of loneliness and suffering, has been so impactful and life-changing. I believe, besides praying ceaselessly and evangelizing and discipling students, it the most powerful thing I can help contribute to for next year.

In saying all of this, I am PRAYING I can find job on/near campus this summer (specifically a job that is up in the air). I am praying that I can be a part of the community here that I love and so I can pour back into them. I am praying for "family" meals and frisbee on campus. Staying at home will make it a lonely summer, but it (hopefully) won't lessen my love and desire to grow (it will just change how I have to do that). I am so excited about the summer and the fall. :)

Love always perseveres,
MacKenzie

celebrate

Lord, I am so sorry I have looked so long for water in broken cisterns when I know all along where to find living water.

My joy right now is an eternal one. It is so full. Albeit, I am physically tired, but my weary smile just marks my contentedness in the life I have been living recently. Before, I just felt tired without any joy.

I feel more at peace about this break-up. If it is meant to be and worth it, then God will make it happen that way. If not, God will show me it's not right, and that He has bigger and better things in store for me. Whether it is or not, I know that God has awesome things in store for me, and maybe soon!

Still, though, interactions with men are so hard. I can still see myself seeking their approval and valuing their words most. It is so easy to see tempting, attractive things in men right now. I'm just looking for Jesus in them. I want to know what the man I should end up with someday (or if I should even have one), because I am so confused about what God wants for me. I thought I knew- I thought I knew better than God about what I need.

I feel really convicted over the last couple of days about giving up my desires and dreams and just following Jesus with my whole heart. There are some certain things I really believed God was just going to give me because He loves me. But it's not about me- it is about Him and His glory. I got caught up in the world and could not see that.

This weekend has been a whirlwind, but it is already one hundred times better than last week. It feels like I am just now waking up from a hazy nightmare that I have been living all year. A year of depression and pride issues and dependency and fear. I have no idea how I was so involved in ministry while struggling to survive life, but although good did come of things, it was not good in itself. I see that now, how much different my ministry on this campus could have looked. But this isn't a time to focus on regret of the past, but repentance and focusing on the potential ministry I can have this year.

I had no idea how much my unhealthy relationship impacted and hindered my ability to share Christ with others. I faced a lot of struggles, but some could have been avoided or at least easier with being single (and that, my friends, is something I never would have expected to say, ever). I understand why Cru recruits single ladies. I understand why I am supposed to be a said single-lady for a while. It is so I can use this time to really pour into other women, to have more of an eternal impact on my campus.

This weekend was "spring training" for leadership for the Central Kentucky region of Cru. We listened to some talks and each campus began to prepare for the upcoming school year. In the beginning it was really difficult to listen to the talks, mostly because of how much pain I was experiencing and how much memories and past feelings were being brought up. But by the end, I felt so free, I was on the brink of celebrating. I got to share with and laugh with friends (I hurt my sides from laughing so hard). I got to enjoy the beautiful outdoors with them. I got to stay up late exchanging poop stories and spying on the boys with them.

We had a chance to love on and encourage one another as a leadership team in a beautiful way, in a way that reflected Jesus and gave me so much hope. And they encouraged me that although this year was hard and the soil was rocky, there was still fruit on our campus. And it is not about me, or my prideful heart, but God and what He wants. And He has some AMAZING things in store for next year. I am so pumped to be a part of things (hopefully I will be on leadership again so I can be personally involved in the planning of these things, but I am just as content to be a part of things and help make an eternal impact on the campus).

I am going to be writing another post about my experience on Sunday, about my summer, and about my dreams and goals for the (near) future.

With hope,
MacKenzie

HE IS BIG, i'm small.

I have honestly been afraid to write again for fear of falling apart, but looking at my past scribblings is encouraging, so I am going to persevere anyways, for future MacKenzie.

Last Thursday was the worst. I wouldn't say it was rock bottom, but I wanted to give up on everything so badly. Especially with the obstacles to going home and to applying for a travel fund. With all of that, Satan really wanted to push me over the edge- he really wanted me to kill myself. It's the second closest I've ever been to actually doing it. I felt him laughing, pushing his lies on my already weak thoughts and body.

I felt so weak, but I pleaded for God to intervene. I could feel the holy spirit just fill me when I became determined, and just refused to listen to Satan anymore. His voice got quiet, I just felt the pain but also a strength that could not have been of my own power. I was reminded that even though this all combined was/is the worst pain I have been through, God is greater.

As hard as that day was, the walk since then is a little bit easier, but not much. I honestly feel like an addict in withdrawal. It is gut-wrenching. It feels like walking around with a gunshot wound (it is emotional and physical). It feels like I packed my valuables in a car that just drove away. But it was a part of me that didn't belong in there.

That was my mistake, and it always has been. When I say that, I mean that I've struggled with dependency in guy friendships and relationships for as long as I can remember. I have always expected a man to fulfill my needs, I have always made my men an idol. I have expected things from them that God was supposed to fulfill and more- I have gotten angry at them because my soul was too depraved to know how to find that security and seek that need from God.

The love of God being shown through other people in my life, though, is so refreshing. Having people pour into me from the richness of the gospel is so renewing.

It's just… even with all of this help, I am still terribly, terribly hurting. And I just want it to stop. Finding a new idol is a quick fix. But I am going to guess that this trust is experiential, because that makes it so much more impactful.

Please, if you're reading this, pray for me. Pray for my heart and my strength and not to fall into something else stupid. I feel joy coming back to me in waves and it is so sweet- please pray for more of that for me, too.

-MacKenzie

these little posts are just for me

I have many drafts nestled away in these folders. They bring understanding, as they bring the realization that these feelings have been lingering for months- that they sit at my core in a carousel of their choice.

sweet girl, what do you want? your heart yearns. you don't find security in God so much, because you are so afraid of finding yourself alone in this dark world. light feels fading within you, and the enemy aims his sights, holding off on the trigger.

I pushed him to this. The weight of the lie stings, bears into my shoulders pushing my face almost directly into the dirt. But I made this lie my flesh- I made it my arms and set my eyes upon it.

I put up wallpaper over windows, thinking they were walls. I made plans of dreams. Because the outside is much too scary.

so, sweet girl, what do you want?

I hate feeling sick. I hate it in the way that not only am I already physically ill, but even in the imperfections of my health I give myself little grace. My sides hurt as if hulahooping for days and my hair is a field of wavy, unrestful hay. I have to give up the plans I had made for my day and bitterly rest.

My faith comes and goes in waves. The train of my belief is veering but pushing forward on tracks foreign to me.

I am not in that nightmare any longer. It is different, I tell myself, as I walk through a tightrope where I cannot see the net below me (it is there).

I miss the dreams I used to have. I miss how much I used to want to love myself. I miss how all I ever wanted was someone who would take pictures of me and show me their love for me.