HE IS BIG, i'm small.

I have honestly been afraid to write again for fear of falling apart, but looking at my past scribblings is encouraging, so I am going to persevere anyways, for future MacKenzie.

Last Thursday was the worst. I wouldn't say it was rock bottom, but I wanted to give up on everything so badly. Especially with the obstacles to going home and to applying for a travel fund. With all of that, Satan really wanted to push me over the edge- he really wanted me to kill myself. It's the second closest I've ever been to actually doing it. I felt him laughing, pushing his lies on my already weak thoughts and body.

I felt so weak, but I pleaded for God to intervene. I could feel the holy spirit just fill me when I became determined, and just refused to listen to Satan anymore. His voice got quiet, I just felt the pain but also a strength that could not have been of my own power. I was reminded that even though this all combined was/is the worst pain I have been through, God is greater.

As hard as that day was, the walk since then is a little bit easier, but not much. I honestly feel like an addict in withdrawal. It is gut-wrenching. It feels like walking around with a gunshot wound (it is emotional and physical). It feels like I packed my valuables in a car that just drove away. But it was a part of me that didn't belong in there.

That was my mistake, and it always has been. When I say that, I mean that I've struggled with dependency in guy friendships and relationships for as long as I can remember. I have always expected a man to fulfill my needs, I have always made my men an idol. I have expected things from them that God was supposed to fulfill and more- I have gotten angry at them because my soul was too depraved to know how to find that security and seek that need from God.

The love of God being shown through other people in my life, though, is so refreshing. Having people pour into me from the richness of the gospel is so renewing.

It's just… even with all of this help, I am still terribly, terribly hurting. And I just want it to stop. Finding a new idol is a quick fix. But I am going to guess that this trust is experiential, because that makes it so much more impactful.

Please, if you're reading this, pray for me. Pray for my heart and my strength and not to fall into something else stupid. I feel joy coming back to me in waves and it is so sweet- please pray for more of that for me, too.

-MacKenzie