I realized that the Holy Spirit is calling me to do things. I feel it. It has been calling me to be bold and speak in front of people. It has been calling me to not be afraid to be myself, to do silly things off-the-cuff.

But what keeps me from doing that, all the time? I think it's the fear of not having the perfect phrasing when I speak. I am so unusually particular and careful about my writing that when I try to do the same thing with speaking, I literally edit myself out of conversations and refrain from improvising. Basically, I refrain from being myself or expressing anything that isn't a watered-down, polemic, well-rehearsed version of who I am.

That's where my insecurity and fear lie, in that act of not speaking. And that feels SO good to see. It's a struggle, but man, now that I can see that, it is like realizing that you're wearing chains and realizing they aren't a part of you. They aren't you- they aren't tattooed, embedded into your flesh (some kind of are, but that's beside the point right now). What is tattooed onto your heart? Patience, kindness, joy, love, and other fruits.

I keep reading and relating to books about repentance and never doing the same things again. I'm reading Breaking Free, and that's what I want- to break free from my insecurities. I know the only time I'll be totally free is in Heaven someday, but freedom is possible here, too. I love the little tastes of it I have been feeling lately, and I'm currently chasing that freedom (and freeing love) that God promises to all of His sons and daughters.

Another little thing: I love all of the friendships I have been able to see blossom lately. I have had the time of my life lately. Thank you, friends, for lighting up my life and encouraging me.

Love love LOVE,
MacKenzie :)

Declaration of Intention

I think it's amazingly ironic that I can relate the most to Jesus Christ and Chris Traeger right now. Jesus because he suffered the worst kinds of pain for me and everyone else, and Chris Traeger on a less serious note because in the fourth and fifth seasons of Park and Recreation he hits a rough patch in his life and still has the greatest courage to keep going. They both give me hope.

Also, I've been so blessed by the friends in my life who have been able to pour into me and encourage me and help feed me the bitter medicine that is wisdom and truth. 

This week has been particularly difficult for me, but despite it being hard, I think the most healthy decisions were made.

I've written bits and pieces of this declaration here and there, but I wanted to post it more officially so all my friends knew what was up and what my goals are. :)

This year (or at least extended period of time), I will climb the MOUNT EVEREST of my mind.

I will let go of how I view myself and embrace how God views and loves me.

I will honor my roles and love my purpose in ALL of them (Cru leader, friend, maybe discipler, community contributer, Jesus lover).

I will share my voice and love with the world!

This year, I will remember that I am LOVED and I am ENOUGH!

more identity realizations

There are a lot of things about me that feel really fluid- the things I enjoy are honestly so different within themselves. Being home has helped me get back in touch with all of the things I love. Music, clothes, movies, activities. I don't think I can easily classify myself because I feel and love everything, all at once. The only things I know for sure that I don't like are horror movies and rap music, and even then I would watch a scary movie if there was a special guy to hold on to, and I have the occasional urge to drop a beat or two.

It makes me wonder, does everyone else already know who they are? Or are they just as clueless with trying to figure it out, too? In all honesty, maybe no one else thinks about it as much as I do- maybe they just live it and play by ear. But I love studying people, so I might as well love studying myself, too (because I don't have a big head, but I think I'm pretty interesting- hence the blog, hence the long sentences, haha).

It's an exhausting business, discovering oneself, but it's beautiful to celebrate this complexity, to celebrate that God's made us this way for a reason. I think that's why I go so well with people in a one-on-one way- I can see where we're similar so I can share in and cherish that connection with them. But also referring to an earlier post, God has really been showing me my "fire" for life the last couple of days. I mean, I spontaneously cut my hair again and I found all these clothes I bought but never wore and I'm going to just wear them and love them and love me, finally.

It's been too long since I honestly loved myself for who I already am. I can't really explain it, but my self-esteem has been worse or just as bad these past two years than when I was younger and angsty and hurting before Jesus. That's not a shade of myself that needs to make a comeback. I think I've just been holding on to the bitterest idea that I'm not good enough, and that's not okay and not the truth about me.

Earlier this semester, Kari (my discipler) was going over some verses with me and asked me what I thought the girl God meant for me to be looked like. I remember my breath being taken away, like when you make eye contact with your crush in the middle school. I just thought about how confident and radiant she is. I thought about how she is absolutely loved and she knows it and she is just glowing and giving that love to others. She is confident and smiles like I used to this summer. She isn't perfect (although in my daydreams she's got her act together, haha) but she just oozes joy and love and hospitality (and she isn't as quiet, but that's a journey by itself, haha).

… Today, this is the closest I've ever felt to that girl. I've never felt this positively about myself all at once, ever (the closest I've been to it was in Charleston last summer). I actually thought to myself "Hey, I'm pretty cool"! That people wanted to get to know me, that people wanted to love me. That God wanted to show me things, that He loves me and will meet all my needs and is there through everything. Those are such empowering thoughts- so much Holy Spirit in me fueling my fire, which is a beautiful thing given the rain I've been feeling for a long, long time.

So, all of that to say, I am praying this fire keeps going and I am really excited about it. Life has been unexpectedly tangled lately but I know it will be okay and work out.

"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised." Psalm 113:3

identity crisis

Warning: a windy, long post because I am in a wobbly, rambling state of mind.

These past several weeks have been so… unique. Haha, yes, that is the only word I can think to use to describe my experience.

This is the first time I have been truly single in three years (and the first time I think in my life that there wasn't a specific boy I was desperately pining for). It is an odd, unnatural thing to me- to have a chunk of my life with no definite end, just devoted to investing in and discovering myself and not exhausting myself with tailoring my life to someone else (not that that's anyone else's fault but my own).

If you would have asked me if I wanted to be single, even at any point of my life up until now, I would have seriously laughed in your face. It's sad that this would have felt wrong to me before- that this epoch would be any less important than another, because it isn't (it's probably the most important, life-changing thing I could be doing right now). But honestly, this sudden chapter change in my life feels like it has stripped away what understanding I did have of my purpose, my identity, and my dreams. It's a battle: retreating into my old self versus becoming this new self, being in this new role. Grieving flesh and grieving spirit, literally.

Who is this girl?

I realized my complicated state of crisis and confusion a couple of weeks ago, when someone asked me who my favorite Avenger was. I couldn't answer- I used to always say Iron Man just because he was the favorite of both of the boyfriends I had. But when it came down to it, I had never formed my own opinion on the matter at all. I always thought Iron Man was funny but too much of an egotistical d-bag, and I normally enjoyed the character who suffered the most in the movie. (I'm happy to report I loved Hawkeye in this newest Avengers movie, and the Hulk.)

If I had to sum up my experience up to now with most of my relationships and even friendships, I tend to latch onto other peoples' lives and opinions and feelings and leave mine somewhere and pray it catches up. There are very few relationships I have where I don't leave myself at the door with my shoes- they are shallow. I don't really own myself, or maybe I feel as though I'm not vibrant or dominant enough to show the fire I have, too. And the ones where I do show myself, I have had a painful history of rejection that has left deep scars (not that there's no hope for better relationships, it just makes it harder to initiate them now).

I always think of this story I had to translate this semester in my French class, where the man is out with other people and laughs, but it's a laugh that he normally saves for the comfort of his own home, and just being that much of his true self with people immediately makes him uncomfortable and he wants to leave. That pretty accurately describes my crippling shyness.

Sure, I love things- I have fire, too. I love French things and The Office and puppies and strawberries more than any other person I have ever met. But, when it comes down to it… out of all of the things I love in this world, I love other people the most. I didn't even think that there was such a thing as a shy people-person, but that's totally me. Most of the time, I am perfectly content being a fly on the wall, sitting in a room and listening to the people I love have conversations, just being my own part of things.

But is that okay? I mean, it's a lonely life sometimes, for sure. I am so shy, even though I have made some sorts of progress (despite one of my teachers this semester giving me the title of "the shyest student she'd ever had").

Heck, I can somewhat sing in front of people now. And I can write things like this and share it with the people I love. It's a transparency I have never known, and I need to celebrate that instead of beating myself up over not being better. But… there is still so much more room for me to be myself and to show parts of myself that can be loved, that can be encouraged, that can be cherished.

So, what does all of this mean for me?

It means that the next several months are going to be weird, hard, trippy, inspiring, dark, edgy, light, sweet, and every shade in between.

It means I need to focus on discovering and loving myself for a little while. And I am so very sorry to every person that has tried to reach out to me lately, to all of my friendships that have seemingly disappeared or run dry- I have had to spend my time lately in somewhat of a solitude (in an independent, almost nomadic state), trying to regain the inner strength needed to begin this journey with people. It's hard to show people the fire, the life I have, too, when all I've been feeling lately is rain.

Going along with all of this, under the dirt of everything, I know God is working in me right now. There is obviously a lot of weird roots being tapped into right now. A LOT of things are on the operating table. Weird heart problems, weird soul achings and past sufferings and tethered rejections are being put under the microscope, are being cut away and tied together. It's really difficult to see it all and understand the complexity of what God is doing in me as I learn and ache and laugh and talk and think, so I have been trying to relax and be as cooperative as possible. But I can have faith that God is setting me up for the beautiful work that I have ahead of me.

-MacKenzie

honesty

I have a really hard time writing on the days I feel the most depressed.

Don't get me wrong, it comes in waves. Good days come in much-needed stretches, usually from the hospitality of others, but bad days alone do feel the longest. On bad days, it is like every emotion that pours out of me is negative and painful and intense, and so I just try to shut it all off. I make myself numb to it all by distracting myself with ideas of how to fix everything, with dreams of what life could/should/will look like, with getting too much sleep or too little food, or with focusing on the superficial things (if I'm not careful, I spiral). But it's all putting makeup on a scarecrow and calling it a prom queen.

Some days it is easy to hide this struggle- victory feels so permanent sometimes. But I can't lie to my journal, to my blog, to people that really care, and so I just shy away from speaking or having relationships with people entirely, retreating into myself and "I'm okay, how are you?"s.

It's been this way a long while now but it's even harder now, dealing with this rejection. It doesn't help that my emotions have been so intense lately- I spent an hour earlier tonight crying about my growing feeling of self-loathing, and my Mom, and a kids movie, all in that order.

You might be wondering why I am writing all of this. I am not doing it to get attention, for sure (I really don't think anyone reads this blog, anyways). To be honest, I just want help. I believe I am not really in a place where it helps me to be invulnerable- minus some things that are a little bit more private, it doesn't benefit me to hide my struggles anymore. I just am earnestly trying to invite God to work in this part of my life by making it transparent, because it is hurting and difficult.

So, if you do read this, please pray for me! I know God is going to work in this part of my life to make me more like Him, but it's hard to remind myself of that hope sometimes.

from my walk with God at home

I took the road less traveled.

There is so much green.

Life can grow out of dead things.

This sunny place is my happy place.

Strawberry lemonade. It is my greatest creation yet.

identity (free to be me)

I'm not going to apologize anymore

for being who I am

and what I love.

that one minute I love doo-wop music

and the next Aerosmith

and the next Regina Spektor.

I won't apologize

for the combat boots with sundresses

and the red lipstick that might get on my teeth.

I won't apologize

for wanting to play in fountains

and thinking people talk too loud

but loving loud laughter that fills space.

I won't apologize

for loving America and France and Canada

and not knowing where I will end up.

I won't apologize for the some days

I can't get out of bed

and for the posts that are too painfully long

(and personal.)

I won't apologize for having

a young girl's heart,

a wrinkled woman's mind,

and a twenty-year old's body.

I won't apologize for not caring

if they mess up my order,

if they don't like to walk slow,

if they think they can do better.

I won't apologize for changing things

that people say they love

sooo much about me

because their opinions don't make a home

in my heart.

(mine do.)

I won't apologize for the light and love

that shines out of my smile

that I can't control

because it's not my own.

I won't apologize for how hard I work on little things

or how deep I love,

or how much I love.

even if they don't deserve it.

even if it hurts.

even if I know they don't feel the same.

because that's also not mine, either.


…………….


I won't apologize for being me,

Sister,

Friend,

Helper.

Big Mac,

Kenzie,

Button,

or Bird Hair.

My soul is what it is- freely, all me.