These past several weeks have been so… unique. Haha, yes, that is the only word I can think to use to describe my experience.
This is the first time I have been truly single in three years (and the first time I think in my life that there wasn't a specific boy I was desperately pining for). It is an odd, unnatural thing to me- to have a chunk of my life with no definite end, just devoted to investing in and discovering myself and not exhausting myself with tailoring my life to someone else (not that that's anyone else's fault but my own).
If you would have asked me if I wanted to be single, even at any point of my life up until now, I would have seriously laughed in your face. It's sad that this would have felt wrong to me before- that this epoch would be any less important than another, because it isn't (it's probably the most important, life-changing thing I could be doing right now). But honestly, this sudden chapter change in my life feels like it has stripped away what understanding I did have of my purpose, my identity, and my dreams. It's a battle: retreating into my old self versus becoming this new self, being in this new role. Grieving flesh and grieving spirit, literally.
Who is this girl?
If you would have asked me if I wanted to be single, even at any point of my life up until now, I would have seriously laughed in your face. It's sad that this would have felt wrong to me before- that this epoch would be any less important than another, because it isn't (it's probably the most important, life-changing thing I could be doing right now). But honestly, this sudden chapter change in my life feels like it has stripped away what understanding I did have of my purpose, my identity, and my dreams. It's a battle: retreating into my old self versus becoming this new self, being in this new role. Grieving flesh and grieving spirit, literally.
Who is this girl?
I realized my complicated state of crisis and confusion a couple of weeks ago, when someone asked me who my favorite Avenger was. I couldn't answer- I used to always say Iron Man just because he was the favorite of both of the boyfriends I had. But when it came down to it, I had never formed my own opinion on the matter at all. I always thought Iron Man was funny but too much of an egotistical d-bag, and I normally enjoyed the character who suffered the most in the movie. (I'm happy to report I loved Hawkeye in this newest Avengers movie, and the Hulk.)
If I had to sum up my experience up to now with most of my relationships and even friendships, I tend to latch onto other peoples' lives and opinions and feelings and leave mine somewhere and pray it catches up. There are very few relationships I have where I don't leave myself at the door with my shoes- they are shallow. I don't really own myself, or maybe I feel as though I'm not vibrant or dominant enough to show the fire I have, too. And the ones where I do show myself, I have had a painful history of rejection that has left deep scars (not that there's no hope for better relationships, it just makes it harder to initiate them now).
I always think of this story I had to translate this semester in my French class, where the man is out with other people and laughs, but it's a laugh that he normally saves for the comfort of his own home, and just being that much of his true self with people immediately makes him uncomfortable and he wants to leave. That pretty accurately describes my crippling shyness.
I always think of this story I had to translate this semester in my French class, where the man is out with other people and laughs, but it's a laugh that he normally saves for the comfort of his own home, and just being that much of his true self with people immediately makes him uncomfortable and he wants to leave. That pretty accurately describes my crippling shyness.
Sure, I love things- I have fire, too. I love French things and The Office and puppies and strawberries more than any other person I have ever met. But, when it comes down to it… out of all of the things I love in this world, I love other people the most. I didn't even think that there was such a thing as a shy people-person, but that's totally me. Most of the time, I am perfectly content being a fly on the wall, sitting in a room and listening to the people I love have conversations, just being my own part of things.
But is that okay? I mean, it's a lonely life sometimes, for sure. I am so shy, even though I have made some sorts of progress (despite one of my teachers this semester giving me the title of "the shyest student she'd ever had").
Heck, I can somewhat sing in front of people now. And I can write things like this and share it with the people I love. It's a transparency I have never known, and I need to celebrate that instead of beating myself up over not being better. But… there is still so much more room for me to be myself and to show parts of myself that can be loved, that can be encouraged, that can be cherished.
But is that okay? I mean, it's a lonely life sometimes, for sure. I am so shy, even though I have made some sorts of progress (despite one of my teachers this semester giving me the title of "the shyest student she'd ever had").
Heck, I can somewhat sing in front of people now. And I can write things like this and share it with the people I love. It's a transparency I have never known, and I need to celebrate that instead of beating myself up over not being better. But… there is still so much more room for me to be myself and to show parts of myself that can be loved, that can be encouraged, that can be cherished.
So, what does all of this mean for me?
It means that the next several months are going to be weird, hard, trippy, inspiring, dark, edgy, light, sweet, and every shade in between.
It means I need to focus on discovering and loving myself for a little while. And I am so very sorry to every person that has tried to reach out to me lately, to all of my friendships that have seemingly disappeared or run dry- I have had to spend my time lately in somewhat of a solitude (in an independent, almost nomadic state), trying to regain the inner strength needed to begin this journey with people. It's hard to show people the fire, the life I have, too, when all I've been feeling lately is rain.
Going along with all of this, under the dirt of everything, I know God is working in me right now. There is obviously a lot of weird roots being tapped into right now. A LOT of things are on the operating table. Weird heart problems, weird soul achings and past sufferings and tethered rejections are being put under the microscope, are being cut away and tied together. It's really difficult to see it all and understand the complexity of what God is doing in me as I learn and ache and laugh and talk and think, so I have been trying to relax and be as cooperative as possible. But I can have faith that God is setting me up for the beautiful work that I have ahead of me.
-MacKenzie
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