honesty

I have a really hard time writing on the days I feel the most depressed.

Don't get me wrong, it comes in waves. Good days come in much-needed stretches, usually from the hospitality of others, but bad days alone do feel the longest. On bad days, it is like every emotion that pours out of me is negative and painful and intense, and so I just try to shut it all off. I make myself numb to it all by distracting myself with ideas of how to fix everything, with dreams of what life could/should/will look like, with getting too much sleep or too little food, or with focusing on the superficial things (if I'm not careful, I spiral). But it's all putting makeup on a scarecrow and calling it a prom queen.

Some days it is easy to hide this struggle- victory feels so permanent sometimes. But I can't lie to my journal, to my blog, to people that really care, and so I just shy away from speaking or having relationships with people entirely, retreating into myself and "I'm okay, how are you?"s.

It's been this way a long while now but it's even harder now, dealing with this rejection. It doesn't help that my emotions have been so intense lately- I spent an hour earlier tonight crying about my growing feeling of self-loathing, and my Mom, and a kids movie, all in that order.

You might be wondering why I am writing all of this. I am not doing it to get attention, for sure (I really don't think anyone reads this blog, anyways). To be honest, I just want help. I believe I am not really in a place where it helps me to be invulnerable- minus some things that are a little bit more private, it doesn't benefit me to hide my struggles anymore. I just am earnestly trying to invite God to work in this part of my life by making it transparent, because it is hurting and difficult.

So, if you do read this, please pray for me! I know God is going to work in this part of my life to make me more like Him, but it's hard to remind myself of that hope sometimes.