There are a lot of things about me that feel really fluid- the things I enjoy are honestly so different within themselves. Being home has helped me get back in touch with all of the things I love. Music, clothes, movies, activities. I don't think I can easily classify myself because I feel and love everything, all at once. The only things I know for sure that I don't like are horror movies and rap music, and even then I would watch a scary movie if there was a special guy to hold on to, and I have the occasional urge to drop a beat or two.
It makes me wonder, does everyone else already know who they are? Or are they just as clueless with trying to figure it out, too? In all honesty, maybe no one else thinks about it as much as I do- maybe they just live it and play by ear. But I love studying people, so I might as well love studying myself, too (because I don't have a big head, but I think I'm pretty interesting- hence the blog, hence the long sentences, haha).
It's an exhausting business, discovering oneself, but it's beautiful to celebrate this complexity, to celebrate that God's made us this way for a reason. I think that's why I go so well with people in a one-on-one way- I can see where we're similar so I can share in and cherish that connection with them. But also referring to an earlier post, God has really been showing me my "fire" for life the last couple of days. I mean, I spontaneously cut my hair again and I found all these clothes I bought but never wore and I'm going to just wear them and love them and love me, finally.
It's been too long since I honestly loved myself for who I already am. I can't really explain it, but my self-esteem has been worse or just as bad these past two years than when I was younger and angsty and hurting before Jesus. That's not a shade of myself that needs to make a comeback. I think I've just been holding on to the bitterest idea that I'm not good enough, and that's not okay and not the truth about me.
Earlier this semester, Kari (my discipler) was going over some verses with me and asked me what I thought the girl God meant for me to be looked like. I remember my breath being taken away, like when you make eye contact with your crush in the middle school. I just thought about how confident and radiant she is. I thought about how she is absolutely loved and she knows it and she is just glowing and giving that love to others. She is confident and smiles like I used to this summer. She isn't perfect (although in my daydreams she's got her act together, haha) but she just oozes joy and love and hospitality (and she isn't as quiet, but that's a journey by itself, haha).
… Today, this is the closest I've ever felt to that girl. I've never felt this positively about myself all at once, ever (the closest I've been to it was in Charleston last summer). I actually thought to myself "Hey, I'm pretty cool"! That people wanted to get to know me, that people wanted to love me. That God wanted to show me things, that He loves me and will meet all my needs and is there through everything. Those are such empowering thoughts- so much Holy Spirit in me fueling my fire, which is a beautiful thing given the rain I've been feeling for a long, long time.
So, all of that to say, I am praying this fire keeps going and I am really excited about it. Life has been unexpectedly tangled lately but I know it will be okay and work out.
"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised." Psalm 113:3
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