I feel more renewed now that my heart is not aching and busted open. Now that I'm not clinging to idols and my bedsheets for a comfort that I wouldn't find in my apartment or in a crack in the sidewalk (you have to look up, you know).

I do not mean to be vague but my confusion is an illusion for shaking out of a bad dream. In this post I have included some of my healthier goals for this semester. They seem exhaustive but they are the things I know will give me some of the greatest reward, in moving closer to God and learning more about myself.

GOALLLLLS:
grow closer to God (spend more quiet times with Him, especially- I'll let you know how this manifests itself for me uniquely).
grow out my hair some more (get a big blonde streak in it).
wear my new porn is not love shirt as often as possible (brace myself for opposition, too).
learn a certain song on the ukelele (I basically will be a rock star).
get on Facebook as little as necessary.
wear my style with confidence.
follow up regularly with a new believer.
return to my post as life assistant.
take bubble baths once a week (at least).
lead women's prayer times with humility and a heart seeking God.
read redeeming love, the gift of being yourself, seven, love does, and my textbooks, haha.
hold a little get together at my apartment!
learn how to cook without melting grilled cheese (but still savor leftovers from home).
clothe myself with truth when I need it (figuratively and literally).
dance around and sing in my apartment a lot more often.
hang out more often. FaceTime. Skype. talk on the phone. tell people I miss them (because I do), it's just been a jumble lately.

one thing to leave you with: a quote.

"In all of creation, identity is a challenge only for humans. A tulip knows exactly what it is. It is never tempted by false ways of being. Nor does it face complicated decisions in the process of becoming." (the gift of being yourself)

please pray that I would feel God's sovereignty and discernment this week, and that I would be strong. please, please, please.

"day one"

Today is the first day I have really been home, and I am different. A fifth of a century has passed before my eyes, yet I feel like the most powerful moments of it have been within this past year.

This year has been a whirlwind. I could not have believed someone if they told me where I would end up today. That I would have been to Charleston on a summer project, or dating Travis, or that I worked at McDonald's for a summer. Yeah, God has walked me through a lot. He has shown me things and taught me things and brought me to and around things. He has been there with me all the way. He has brought light and healing to areas of pain, and He has even been there through my fairly occasional stubbornness and total lack of His regard. But He loves me all the same. He has always loved me the same. I just happen to know Him better than last year, and am still learning from how He loves.

I'm not sure what God has in plan for my twentieth year, but I know it is going to (hopefully) go hand-in-hand with His awesome and glorious plan for me. I have an awesomely sweet devotional book my Mama got for me, Instagram/Blogger apps, and a vision for falling even more in love with Jesus this year. :)

-MacKenzie

progression and thanksgiving

My last morning in Charleston was over a week ago. Most others left on Sunday in the midsts of tears, and the sound of hearts breaking reverberated over car engines leaving the hotel parking lot. It hurt so terribly, to walk around the city for a day knowing that I was not going to run into one of my friends at our favorite spots. I revisited Cathedral, Redeemer, the Market, Francis Marion, Waterfront at night. I got a free sample of pralines and gelato and lemonade. I heard the honking of horns and the music of restaurants and the wheels of bike taxis (by the way, I finally was able to ride one- it was wildly wonderful). I cherished those last days- I was so grateful to have a elongated goodbye with the city I had had a beautiful, passionate summer fling with for two months.

Coming back on Tuesday, I stopped by my McDonald's for one last goodbye. That place had become my home every week, but now my anchor was pulled away.

As I was making my way homeward bound, I watched the landscape elevate and evolve. Palms became pines, seagulls became songbirds. I watched it all change before my eyes.

Today marks my I don't even know what day of being back in Kentucky. As we were on the tail end of my ten-hour drive from Charleston, the forested hillsides sprang into my view, and I asked myself if this beautiful state really was the one I have called home for twelve or so years. But at the same time, coming home was so hard. I was so afraid, and still am.

I arrived home to a house full of family. I arrived to a lush backyard garden and a literal jungle of sunflowers to keep me company (they kind of look like palm trees, swaying in the wind). It is peaceful but I feel God's presence heavy on my heart, and I feel the pain of being away from my new loved ones in such a powerfully inexplicable way.

I'll be writing some more (hopefully a lot more, because I desperately need the reflection time) in the next several weeks leading up to the school, and I will be posting here, but thank you. Thank you to every person who has ever looked at this blog or supported me or liked a picture or status, or even just smiled at thinking of me this summer. I will try eventually, but the journey you all sent me and supported me on- a journey of healing, of triumph, of purpose, of love- is the greatest adventure I have known, and carrying it in my heart every day has made me a new person, really.

PS I have lately grown really worn over Facebook, so you might not see a lot of me there, but I will be around and plan to continue this blog (more to come later, for now, sleep).

let's celebrate all of this together.
MacKenzie

homesick(?)

Today was my second to last day of work at McDonald's for this summer (yes, one day more). It is so bittersweet.

I have been jamming out the past couple of days to an album I got from my home church almost two years ago (LifT, done by Highland Hills Baptist Church). Oh, it surprises me in retrospect where I have end up from those days, in the seed stage of my journey with the Lord. I have spent a lot of time reflecting back to my early days of being a Christian and discovering the truths and grace God gives all of us, in a gift. He plucked me from darkness, literally from death (in a way I don't share with most people), and called me His. It is more comfortable for me not to think about how dark it was and has been at points, but I do not have to fear that any longer, as God is always with me, and in my story I can connect with those past and present in that same darkness. It is in God's shining light that He is glorified.

You all, I have learned nothing more this summer than the truth of the gospel, of God's love for humanity- that He sent His son Jesus to die for us and our sins, and that He conquered death in this. But the way my heart has been rewired, the way my heart has been emboldened and empowered and recharged, energized and no longer stone? That transformation of the gospel in my life is beyond what I could have expected. And I feel different. I feel it in where my soul rests itself. I feel it in the day, in the temporariness of pain and plight.

I will probably have more reflective posts to come, but I am still really enjoying my time here! I just am also excited to share how God has transformed and used me this summer back home. I do not know how God will even use me at home, but it is going to be amazing, you'll see. :)

-Big Mac

a prayer for 16 days

I know I have not been writing down and scribing my epiphanies and late-night cries and the general state of my heart churning and breaking and becoming light and for the Lord, but I have been experiencing it, believe me. I have substituted my reflection with more experience and prayer and growth, in hopes of radically changing my heart for the rest of my life just from the experience of a season, a summer.

I am excited and peaceful and hopeful. Here's to the last 16 days I have in this place. I pray that God uses us and that this realization of the brevity of our time would embolden us to pursue your path and your desire for our days, that you would give us rest but also time to reflect on the earth-moving growth we are experiencing and the heaven-growing giving we are attempting to do here in Charleston for your glory. Continue to show us your love and plan for our lives, and thank you for bringing us all to this place.

-Mac

beginning to an end (it's been a while)

saturday, june 28th, 2014

(a collection of snoozy blurbs)

yesterday, i watched my hair sink to the ground. the people cried. they rejoiced, they giggled, they stared, they dreamed. and they didn't stop.

i learned what grief means on sunday, what it should mean and what it does mean to me. repentance with a heart of walls means getting more bricks; with one of doors, letting light in. i also learned of Godly grieving and worldly grieving. i definitely am more often sorry for my actions than the core roots of sin that take hold of me.

being a follower has become one of my strongest descriptors. it always has been, but there are lies that wallow in my heart that disable me from being a leader.

[lies that I can show more of God because of my story.
lies that I deserve special treatment or pity because of where I've been.
lies that I shouldn't do or lead things back of my campus.
lies that growth is based on my teacher's spiritual maturity.
lies that instability or the unknown are things to strongly fear.]

i have started writing these lies down, because they seem so powerless sketched on my journal's insides. they can't hurt me in there (but only with God's band-aids).

my discipler and i discussed my strengths and growing areas and my vision and short and long-term goals- I love lists and how they can simply and beautifully describe orders and sets.

there is so much more but it is really difficult to capture it all. our staff people, our mentors leave tomorrow. their suitcases sit like barrels of tea before the boston tea party- we have no idea what this is going to spark, but it is going to powerful and (hopefully) take us with it.

[pink sinking like a breath / melange of life and death / all in a sun's set]

fast-forward

So, I am falling behind on daily blogs haha mostly because we have had such a high-content and high-quality kind of week. I am going to attempt to zoom through my last few days up until Friday.

Wednesday actually was my day off- I was so relieved to have a day to myself and to refresh my physical and emotional states. I spent it by waking up an hour late and enjoying a shower of singing really loudly. I then had an interesting discipleship adventure with my s.p. discipler Karly. We explored God's truths together on the second floor of my (empty) Charleston church. It was so majestic and the moment felt so holy up there on the second floor. Karly is a person that is gentle and giving, and I feel very blessed to have her as my discipler here.

On Wednesday we had dinner with our ministry teams (mine is outreach). We discussed our goals and what was going on with our Saturday outreach. After we did this we went out onto town for our scheduled reflection time. I made my way down with many students to the beautiful Waterfront Park and found a seat next to a sweet girl on project here. We talked and bonded for a time until we got into what people could call reflection. This is just some of the stuff I reflected on:

God I seek out so many things before you. I take your truth and make it funny money before the lies the world tells me. But your word is pure and gold- it never demoralizes, and is everlasting.

"Tossed his copper and I watched as it fell / but there wasn't any water in the wishing well…"

God, I think of myself as ruined. There are and have been too many times that I have believed that your purity was not enough to cover my sins. That I was beyond repair- that I was not worthy of the life you called for me, the life you MADE for me.

"Longing for purity…"

God, I have felt so free in your Spirit these past few days. THANK YOU for your grace and the indescribable joy that comes from knowing your truths and being in a relationship with You.

These are just some of the things I got to reflect on before my comfortable, scheduled time was interrupted by an opportunity. The girl I was sitting with overheard two European women talking in another language- peaked by curiosity, our desire for exchange sparked a twenty or so minute conversation about cultures and places and dreams. These two Slovak women were far from home and attempting to see the East Coast (from Florida to Niagara Falls) in two weeks before they had to return to Slovakia. It was amazing the transaction we had together as human beings, and the birth of a spiritual conversation began just as they had to leave to catch their bus (one was an Atheist, one was Roman-Catholic). But they noticed our interest and that Americans are normally very friendly and wanting to hear of their culture. I have spent a lot of time praising that Christians in general are called to act differently than most people, and so I think people can sometimes see this. Afterwards, an interesting possible spiritual conversation was brewing afterwards with two gentlemen, but it did not flesh out because the situation was intimidating and the time was short also. But I was just so surprised and refreshed to have outreach kinds of opportunities during my scheduled reflection time- it just goes to show you how God works on His timing and not ours. :)

NOW, onto Thursday. Work was extremely dull. I believe I was working front register and then lobby, but honestly almost all of my days blend together haha. After work on Thursday I came back to the hotel where we had delicious amazing hamburgers bought by Mr. Jim. We had a big cookout celebration in the hotel's lobby of burgers and drinks. Mr. Jim has been honestly one of my favorite things about this hotel, seeing his smiling face peek around corners and his smoking cigars outside. That night we also had worship night. It was beautiful outside so we went to the Battery to sing and celebrate God's glory together down there. We got there a bit late, but it was amazing all the same. We even were crashed by a God-loving honeymooning couple from Missouri, whom we took the chance of praying for them and their new marriage. It was a pleasure to meet and hear Robin & Trent's stories for a little while. We then went along to Cookout and I had a delicious strawberry and Oreo milkshake with a large part of my Cru family.

Let me tell you about Friday now! On Friday, I worked 8-4 on lobby the entire day (which is by the way the most physically exhausting and boring job there), and I also received the news that either me or one of my Cru co-workers would be transferred to another McDonald's in the area. That totally sent a shockwave through amy plans and hopes for possibly growing closer to Shandy and Miss Betty and Lisa and James and Lacy and Miss Mary, all of whom I was beginning to form actually really solid relationships with, emphasizing the probably abnormal respect I give them for having such a difficult and trying job. It is not sure which one of us it is, but I am planning that it will be me, because Jordan is a superstar at drive-thru and Katie is awesome too but cannot be relocated anyway. I am very nervous but also excited I guess, so please pray for my heart that it would be open and willing to go wherever God wants for me for the rest of my summer.

After work on Friday, we cooled down with a group picture, a dinner outing, and some broom ball (similar to hockey but without skates). I will just say that I fell down a lot and am sporting one big nasty bruise on my left knee, but it was also hilarious and so much fun with our group. I would love to go again (just with kneepads)!

Overall, I have very much enjoyed my week and can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks have in store. :)

my Cru HCSP family, student and staff and kids and all. :)

Love,
MacKenzie

transformative tuesday

Tuesday was probably the most surprisingly beautiful day of the week. Let me tell you…

I woke up to the frozen fear that comes with finding out your Aunt Flo is visiting in Charleston, haha. I was not feeling well at all and knowing I had a full shift ahead of me, I was very worried about my physical and emotional capability of thriving at work and through my jam-packed day. But God works good for those who love Him, and He works on His capabilities, not mine! By the time lunch rolled around I was dancing around while on front register and was just truly enjoying myself. One of my co-workers even asked me what was up with me (it could have been a lot of caffeine, but I think it was God's spirit in me).

Also, as a side note, there was a little boy at McDonald's that day that was seriously the cutest. He looked just like Travis at a young age and he really, really wanted a red Pokemon toy. I made sure he got one, and when they were getting ready to leave he came up to me and told me about how red was his favorite and showed me his toy and what it did. He gushed that he was a "master of Pokemon." After that I almost started crying, just because of how sweet and genuine and innocent his heart was. It was simply beautiful.

At work I also found out that one of the women I work with is a Christian. Her name is Angie and she has a beautiful tattoo of the cross and praying hands on her forearm.

We had bible study dinner after work (they let us out a few minutes late rather than earlier, so I was quite tired) on a pier on the Ashley River. It was beautiful, experiencing the sunset and exploring God's truth together. I really enjoy my bible study group- we as a whole are so diverse but in an enriching way. We are beginning to explore what it means to be truly vulnerable with each other, in an already so intimately small group.

While we were at the pier, we offered some of our pizza to a man named Patrick. My two bible study leaders shared the gospel with him and we are possibly (hopefully) going to have pizza again next week with him. :)

After bible study was women's night in which we discussed exposing not only the fruits of the Spirit and the fruits of our sin, but the roots of those "bad" fruits and how we should be rooted in God's truths (Jeremiah 17:5-10). We also received a secret sister that we are supposed to do something sweet and loving for this week.

It was just a really great night and day for my soul.

meditative monday

My Monday (6/9) started in a very unique way- particularly, it was early. Very early- like 6AM early. My work schedule was rearranged to better suit our project needs and my McDonald's needs, and so I was scheduled to start work at 7AM on Mondays and only Mondays, which personally sounds like an evil plot against my sanity and my ability to be a productive part of McDonald's and in the rest of my day.

Working 7AM to 3PM (they let us off an hour early, hallelujah) was surprisingly easy. I took more of a supporter role the whole day and although I did not personally feel challenged I was very grateful for a less exhausting introduction to a totally new concept of working a longer, earlier shift than before. I helped with drive thru basically the whole day with a couple of co-workers throughout the day. This allowed me to get to know them a little bit better. It was also a lot easier to work knowing that I would have a break from the week on Wednesday.

Monday night, we had project dinner with our bible studies. I just wanted to put in here that I absolutely adore the staff and student-staff on project- I very much respect how they step out in faith to lead us and guide us through our walks together, and our walks in such tight quarters.

We all did a very revealing activity together to start off a difficult but necessary discussion for our project. We answered some very deep and vulnerable questions. I want to include my answers here, mostly because I shared them last night but also because this blog is my main way of reflecting.

When I think about God I feel…

in a generalized, superficial good state

When I have to trust God I feel…

sometimes overwhelmed, often blinded and helpless to what I am doing

sometimes alone, like He isn't there or guiding me

guilty as I only go to him as a last resort

When I think about God I wish…

I knew more about Him

that I had a more intimate relationship with Him

I knew what He wanted for me and my life (selfish, but true)

Sometimes I get angry at God when…

He doesn't give me what I ask for/what I think He wants for me

It frustrates me when God wants me to…

do things out of my comfort zone

confront others

The one thing I must do to please God…

is to keep having unquestionable faith (which is impossible)

is to love others perfectly (especially people who are not Christians/those who are struggling)

The one thing that frightens me about God…

is His wrath/sovereignty (that I will find punishment/death in my current sins)

The one thing I am afraid God will make me do…

is changing myself

is changing my relationships

in essence, giving up control to Him

The hardest part about this exercise was seeing how I was blind to these depths of my sin and they felt almost blasphemous as offensive to God, hearing and knowing what He deems as true and living with fruit as though it is not. It was a challenging but very growing exercise. We also discussed group unity and some other developing areas.

It was an exposing process but I know it is going to be used to glorify God more, so I can't wait to get on that train. :)

-MacK

walking in the light

As much as I have found all of the devotionals we have had thus far on project to be helpful and relevant, the devotional I had the pleasure to hear on Sunday by Mr. Jon Eagin was probably the one of the more spiritually enlightening and challenging (just to be expanded upon on Tuesday night). We discussed vulnerability as it is discussed in 1 John 1:5-10.

I encourage every person of any belief, Christian or not (but especially too if you are walking with God in a relationship with Him because this may just ROCK YOUR WORLD), to weigh these verses on their heart.

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us."

I am also going to confess some things to this blog and whoever may read it. As revealed to me through my bible studies and personal time with the Lord, I have realized that I have been a pretender for a very large amount of my time as a Christian. By pretending, I mean that I diminish my sin and like to believe and appear like I am not as bad as what I really am (which is pretty dang bad, if I can be honest with y'all). I am so desperate to pretend these things that I have an awful habit of hiding the bad AND the good sometimes from people (as seen in my crippling shyness and shallow relationships with people). I can speak generically and talk circles around my sins like ordering a #1 combo instead of saying I want a Big Mac without onions with extra Mac sauce. I downplay the real issues I am having when I do feel vulnerable enough to discuss them with others, speaking in cryptic terms that still attempt to paint a "beautiful" but blurred picture of what is going on. In doing these things, I shrink the height and magnitude of the cross and wear a mask around Christians and non-Christians alike to try to seem like I am more perfect than what I truly am.

As comes with all things held in, pressure builds, and those root sins left unexposed come out in habits of sin, attitude, and action. We hold onto and hide our wounds, our pasts, and our personalities. Our spiritual health decays.

But… you all know that living that way is not genuine. I know it, too. I feel it so often in fibbing about my current state. So I guess the question to answer is, what is the source of salvation for a pretender?

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

John tells us that as relational beings are called to walk in the light. If you anything like me, when you read that verse you brushed away the phrase "walking in the light." It is easy enough to interpret that God is light in his holiness and purity and by Him everything else is illuminated, but what does it mean for me personally to walk in the light? Am I not already automatically just by being a Christian?

The answer to that is no. As a Christian, walking in the light entails a journey and pursuit of light. It entails being open and exposed to others and to God as we seek purity and holiness like Him.

OPEN AND EXPOSED, friends. Those words strike so much fear in my heart. I can barely confront a waiter about getting a root beer instead of a Coke, let alone be open and vulnerable with people about the condition of my heart! It has been a ride since Sunday, attempting to be vulnerable and approachable with other people on project.

It has been an adventure to say the least, but… I think I can take off my mask with these people. It is safe and most of my struggles fall on understanding and empathetic ears.

But what about the deep, real stuff? I am still very afraid of exposing myself, of taking off the makeup I have caked on for my benefit and my own righteousness, for my last-ditch shield against hurt and actually dealing with these things. But exposing myself (not to everyone, but some) in this kind of way is going to allow me to have a true and deep fellowship with them. I don't want to have two sides of one very inauthentic relationship. And I should not do that with God, either, because He knows the depths of my heart, even those I do not wish to explore.

There is hope in walking in the light. It is terrifying to be exposed, but in that Jesus can purify us of our sins (even the ones hardest to share). I can speak to that for my own experience- for certain particularly hard parts of my walk I have had to seek the advice and fellowship of others. I had to be vulnerable around those that I really did not want to. There are certain things I held onto for months that wreaked their havoc in my life until I finally approached them with vulnerability and an openness to God and others, and only then did I not feel helpless to them.

Anyways, I am still exploring these ideas and verses, but that is just a snippet of the content and truth that has been revealed to me this week. :)

working for the weekend..

DAY FOURTEEN! (Saturday)

On Saturday, we went out and did outreach at a local mall. Praise the Lord I finally got to see some evangelism in action today! I went with Margaret (one of my roommates) and Lisa and got denied several times before doing Soularium and the KGP with Linda, Tiffany, and Donna. Tiffany was a Christian, but Linda and Donna were searching and curious to hear about Christianity. They did not accept Jesus but I could tell they moved spiritually over the course of our conversation closer to Him. It was intriguing to sit back and watch over a conversation that had visible signs of movement.

After outreach, I went back to the hotel and had a two or so hours-long conversation about life and some heart issues with one of my roommates. Because maybe we all have had some lacking relationships in our lives, I feel like in this summer project environment there is a potential to have a blooming and healthy friendship with every person on project but especially with my roommates and Cru co-workers. I do feel free to share most things with them without judgment or disdain casted upon me, and I see myself opening up.

Saturday night some of our group spontaneously watched Tangled on my laptop in the Magnolia room, making a blanket and snuggle pile of pillows and popcorn and physical and emotional closeness. There was also serendipitously a purple and gold wedding outside that night that was putting up floating love lanterns into the sky (PS with the wind they are not as beautiful as in the movie, haha).

DAY FIFTEEN! (Today)

Today is Sunday, and I cannot believe the weekend flew by so quickly. We went to Cathedral again today, but today's service was much different. It was not as intimidating and wow, did glimpses of the glory of God take over my thoughts in that place. I felt comfortable in the dialogues and the prayers and the worship. The only part that was particularly difficult for me to overcome was watching at the time people came to the front of the church to be prayed over. I saw people of all walks of life approach together and request guidance and that God's Spirit would enter and guide them. But the most difficult part of watching this experience was seeing families- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, sisters and brothers- walking up together to experience the Lord together. At that point I began to hold back sorrowful tears, but even in that moment God still gave me hope to having that one day, even if I am not sure who I will be approaching the front with.

After church, we went to this amazing experience in Charleston called Second Sunday where they shut the traffic down on King Street and allow people to set up booths and outdoor dining areas. There were so many people and live musicians and dogs roaming the streets and enjoying Charleston together, and it seemed to be more alluring with every step and every intriguing detail of this holiday on the last day of the Spoleto Art Festival.

So, as I look out into the abyss that is my next week of working at McDonald's and seeing where the Lord takes me in Charleston, I feel so much of God's peace and Spirit in me. I feel His love pouring out of me and somehow into some of the people around me, and I feel the same process in those around me. It is such a beautiful thing.

(May the peace of God be with you.)

big(ger) mac (6/2-6/6)

DAY NINE! (Monday)

This Monday was my first day at McDonald's. I arrived with Katie and Jordan dressed to impress in our McDonald's uniforms and visors, haha. I had NO idea what to expect. I had no idea that they would put me on back drive thru, listening to people's orders and putting in their orders for the kitchen to make/prepare. I had no idea that we would be in the ethnic and socioeconomic minorities. I had no idea that there would be little on the surface that would allow me to relate to these people. But PRAISE THE LORD that He is powerful and can penetrate into a place as broken and performance-driven as McDonald's. I made one friend- her name is Shandy, and she worked drive thru with me. She gave me so much grace and actually genuinely wanted to work with me- I was sad when she had to leave early for a family emergency that she told me about and I genuinely wanted to pray and love on her. After that, I worked and talked with a man named James from New York. On this day I felt really encouraged to know that I was in a workplace surrounded by people that would give grace. And we got to leave an hour or so early! That felt like an amazing gift.

I do not remember much of Monday night except that I was so exhausted. Lisa kept asking if something was wrong with me, and honestly I did not know if I was or not (I told her I was because I knew I would be okay with God's help, but PHEW it was hard to keep that faith). I knew there was no way I could make it through the week without getting more rest and asking God to prepare my heart more for the trials I would see at work.

DAY TEN! (Tuesday)

They had me working drive thru again. Shandy was not there, but I made some new acquaintances and started to permeate names. I worked with Cherell and Drea and Rashonda, who all gave me a great deal of grace when working with the computer. Cherell even allowed me to try working the cash register until I messed up and charged the wrong person with the wrong order (it was quickly fixed, however). But something that came to my mind was that the phrase kept popping up that labor was high. I realized that we are taking the hours of people who could really use them, working a full-time shift here for 2 months. We spoke with our manager and prayed that we would only work 4 (long) days a week.

After getting off early, several of us made a trek to Wal-Mart in Mount Pleasant where I bought some work pants and clothes hangers. I made it back to bible study and shared my testimony (yes, all of it, even the parts most people have no clue about) to a group of girls I had only known for not even two weeks! I will tell you all, something was moving in my heart. We also had women's night where we discussed Eve and how our external circumstances do not justify our sin.

DAY ELEVEN! (Wednesday)

Today, I met another assistant manager. She was very polite and gave grace to us new employees but did not personally see our progress made earlier in the week and placed us wherever she felt was open. I was first put in the position of cleaning the lobby. It was busy work but refreshing to the hustle and bustle of the back drive thru. I enjoyed dancing around while cleaning tables and being thorough with my sweeping. After that I was then put on french fries during lunch rush. Y'all, I can now say that I HATE fries. This was one of the most difficult tasks personally of my entire week- after working for 3 or so hours on fries I began to feel nauseous and so light-headed next to the oil vats and the heating trays. I was also just feeling awful whenever my co-workers would poke fun at me for being slow at fries and it hurt when they would dump out and re-scoop the fries I had already done. I felt like a hindrance at that point. I had not been keeping hydrated and honestly in such a performance-driven role I felt so mentally and physically sick of failing that I would have preferred passing out over continuing to do fries any longer. But thank the Lord I made it to my break at 2:30 and survived on a light shift of fries afterward, being careful to hydrate and to walk away from the heat every once in a while.

After work we met up with our ministry teams and discussed outreach goals of the week. I still need to do my part in it, actually, writing encouraging notes for each room about being more motivated to share with their co-workers in McDonald's. We had a reflection time at Waterfront Park afterwards that I did not get to fully capitalize on- I was mentally exhausted and honestly did not feel like I could reflect in my state on all God was trying to teach me about my experience, so I spent my time resting and talking with Travis on the phone because I hadn't devoted time to him and our relationship for several days. Our group then walked back to the church where we prayed in groups over our jobs and our experiences and different aspects of our lives that God was and is working in.

DAY TWELVE! (Thursday)

Thursday at McDonald's was a spiritually exhausting day, but praise the Lord for pushing me to rely on His strength and not my own. I worked front register with a sprinkling of fries at the end. I worked with Angie who was very sweet and told me about her four kids with such a strong love that I found refreshing in such a dark place. But Thursday also had some of the biggest trials of the week. I overheard some of the employees discussing that they had to hire us, making it seem as though we are a hindrance more than a help. Also, on front register during lunch I found myself yelled at by a curmudgeonly old woman who I thought may have had a stroke but was in fact a very passionate, heavily-accented Irish woman. I thought I was going to immediately die when she sarcastically asked if I knew what black coffee was, but she more so abused my assistant manager who stuck up for me with shocking seemingly-racist remarks and such a rudeness that left me personally shaking for an hour afterwards. He just ranted for a few minutes with her out of earshot about how no one should yell at him (although everyone does) and then he went on with his duties.

It was on that day that I realized why this place was as dark as it was, and why it was burdening me in such a strange way when I went back to my cozy bible studies. It is because working at McDonald's is, honestly, humiliating. People judge you and your status in their words as they order their food and in their treatment of you whether things are right or wrong. There is little grace except for the kind souls that have patience and love on their hearts that you can see in their easy smiles. But most are not this- they order from the dollar menu with ridiculous specificity and impatient, selfish motives. No wonder my assistant manger snorts cocaine and my co-worker hopes to get so drunk he doesn't remember the weekend. I think he just does not want to remember the endless weeks he sees of being persecuted and judged and humiliated for a difficult and performance-based job.

After that, we had a free night. I was so happy, because I personally needed a treat-myself kind of night. I spent it getting dinner with two of my roommates and chilling out in my hotel room, attempting to gain enough momentum to make it through one more day of work for the week.

DAY THIRTEEN! (Friday)

On Friday I finally understood the term TGIF, haha. I worked front register which was not as intimidating or as scary as Thursday (although I was praying that Irish woman would never, ever come back). We left early again with the labor being too high, and I saw James off for his first day off in weeks.

After work, we had a project social which was a fun game night. As I mentioned a little bit before, I think my work at McDonald's is doing a lot more with my heart personally than I would have hoped for or even expected. Because it is just such a socially straining job for me, I have really been coming out of my shell off the clock with people on project. Hiding myself and my experiences now feels exhausting when a lot of us are going through the same thing (I have seen my experiences bring light to others while I have been here), and I actually feel free to be vulnerable and myself around these people without worrying about whether they love me or not. Lisa boasts in how I seem to be metamorphic in my allowing myself to be free. But I can tell I am not drunk on myself or exhaustion (okay, maybe a little bit)- I am filled with God's Spirit inside of me and He is doing some beautiful things in my heart and in my world. :)

After social, we went to Krispy Kreme for National Donut Day and rode with the windows down to Folly Beach. We walked along the pier and the beach, laughing and enjoying a restful celebration of no work for the weekend. I was still tired naturally from a long week but found myself caught up happily in the laughing and good conversations I had with my new friends along the water's edge.

playing catch-up (first week)

Almost 200 pageviews… daggone! I feel really appreciated and encouraged by you all reading my posts- I know I am no Shakespeare by all means, but knowing that my words and experiences impact others in a meaningful way and possibly (hopefully) shine as a light with my experience here is a wonderful reminder to myself of the true confidence and identity God has given me through His spirit.

On another note, I apologize for being late in getting these posts out there. With working full-time and having evening activities I may only be able to post lengthy, detailed posts once a week, sprinkled in with some fun stuff in between.

DAY FIVE! (Thursday)

Thursday was our simplest and freest day so far. I spent a lot of my time writing these blog posts. I also went grocery shopping with 2 of my roommates. One of my roommate adores cooking and sounds like a phenomenal one at that, so I am excited to experience what kinds of creations come from even such few capabilities. :) Our only planned event was worship night in which we came together as a project and sang several songs together as a group, the night being interlaced with prayer and devotion. It reminded me personally of an intimate soirée de poche.

DAY SIX! (Friday)

On Friday we had our McDonald's orientation session in which we learned so many things (it was a humongous packet). I found out that I will be working with and spending every morning and afternoon driving in a car with two lovely ladies on project who love Disney and jamming out to its music. I am definitely looking forward to singing the Lion King as the sun rises, even when we have to grudgingly drive to work at 7:30AM, haha. I am nervous about starting this job, but mostly just shaky with my confidence of my ability to perform perfectly (my own expectations) and quickly (those of the restaurant's expectations). It should definitely be interesting, and definitely a growing experience!

We were let out early for orientation, and so some people drove to the nearest WalMart and Goodwill to find some work pants. I am praying that the pants I bought before project will work fine. I found some neat red cowboy boots on the cheap (for HIMYM fans, I pull them off) and I just overall enjoyed that time with the people on my project.

That night, we had our first project social: a scavenger hunt around downtown Charleston. It was absolutely beautiful, and way too much to take in in two hours while we made a huge loop around Charleston. Our team did not win, but I have some wonderful pictures as memories of our adventures together!

DAY SEVEN! (Saturday)

Saturday was… a rough day, to put it at that. I was up late Friday night wrestling with insecurities and anxieties that honestly were not necessary (along with getting caught up with a little too much Clash of Clans, haha), so that wreaked some havoc on my confidence. Saturday morning and afternoon were scheduled to be our outreach days in which we would evangelize on the beach, but God sent us running with the rain as we found a nice and populated strip mall. I yet again did not get a chance to evangelize which was very difficult for me, but God put patience on my heart and I still spent that time in faith.

DAY EIGHT! (Sunday)

Sunday was a good day- our first morning spent at our Charleston home church for the summer. I was really nervous going to a church an Anglican church (The Cathedral of St. Luke and St. Paul)- until Mr. Bennett came to speak with us earlier in the week and reassured us that it was not heretical, but that it would be a different kind of experience. And it was so very different. We had a dialogue of sorts that was overarched with tradition and it seemed very detached and ritualistic. It was just very hard to focus and appreciate their worship of God's glory in such a new and different setting. The worship music (folk alternative) was amazing, however- it was probably my favorite part of the service that morning and hearing the voices echo in that old cathedral was so uplifting. After the service, they welcomed us with refreshments and warm handshakes while the kids played in the courtyard. It was refreshing to be surrounded by that summertime fellowship again. :) We did not get to meet our host families, but I am so so excited to get to meet and love on them and their dogs and their kids and their homes, especially after getting acquainted with my church home for the next 2 months!

I knew that after Sunday and now that work was starting, my time on project would never be the same...

reflection (week 1 thus far)

This week thus far has been a very beautiful and growing experience. I came to Charleston with a desperate thirst for answers, for truth, for guidance, and for community. And certainly (as always) God provided- He brought me to a wonderful group of students and staff who are so encouraging and supportive. They have seen and some have conquered monsters much like my own, and I feel safe and truly in a greenhouse of growth. I also packed my bags with insecurity, shame, and pain, but even after these past few days I am grateful to say I wear peace, confidence, and a freedom sweeter than the Southern tea here.

If you have any questions or want to hear more please ask and I will be happy to share. :) I have a lot of information from so many devotionals and great times spent with the Lord but I will give you the pictures now while my days/reflections are split up below.

-MacKenzie

My Dad suggested we take a selfie at the Biltmore Estate on Saturday before they dropped me off.

this week's schedule (notice how the next two days are my freest days).

The Battery, which is what I have really become familiar with these past few days in Charleston.

I didn't mean to take this picture (and have a lot of pictures of the sidewalk haha), but this was taken while I was spending some great time with the Lord on Wednesday.

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander…"

DAY FOUR! (Wednesday)

We began the morning with a very moving devotional (you will see its theme in my reflection with the Lord) and further discussion about our project's theme: grow-give-reflect-rest. Rest is also biblically really important to our spiritual endurance and God created us to work but also to rest and reflect on Him. So, after a discussion of resting and having a quiet time, we ate lunch with the pastor of the church I will be attending down here. I am actually fairly intimidated- it is a very traditional Christian church. I am sure I will find love in that community, though, and with my host family whoever that may be. Because I miss my own family, it will be nice to love on my temporary one (I hope they have kids to play with and maybe a dog!).

After lunch, we went to spend our own time with the Lord in downtown Charleston. I went to the Battery again and spent my time under a tree and walking and looking out at the bay. I reflected on the Rend Collective lyrics "It's only in surrender / that I am truly free" and wrote this:

God is the ultimate artist. He creates and continually sculpts and grows with no boundaries. His media are clouds and dust and hearts, are vines and veins and the gentle Battery breeze.

God, your masterpieces surpass understanding. They are more complex than Renoirs or Pollocks or Picassos, more complex than Hitchcocks or Camerons, more complex than Tolstoys or Brontes. I am beyond blessed that you chose me, that you wove me uniquely and now send that gentle breeze to cool me. I am so blessed to be under a tree again, spending a time of supernatural peace with my Heavenly Father.

You have brought me here- so far away from home. You have a purpose and I trust you are going to reveal to me the truth that I am meant to carry home with me to my situations and relationships and monsters.

(During this time, I received a text from my Mom stating that I had received an extremely generous support donation. Tears of joy welled in my eyes as I looked to the sky and continued my time, singing and praising Him.)

God is the ultimate provider.

Ultimate lover.

Your spirit inside of me is my favorite part of myself. I am growing to appreciate the gifts you have graciously born me with. Your insight and presence during my times- all times- is evident and gives me peace. My guilt and anxieties melt away in your peace, while my capacity to love grows in shadow of your Spirit inside of me.

Amen, amen, amen.

After our time with the Lord, a bunch of us girls walked through the fancy shopping district on King St. and the historic market that was blocks long. I only bought myself some gelato which was quick to melt on such a hot and sweaty day. We then went to meet up as a project and split up into our ministry teams! I am on the outreach team (like I am at school), and was so excited to contribute to not only the planning of the events, but also to contribute to fostering an evangelistic atmosphere within the project. I can see the Lord doing great things with our group of six or so.

As a wonderful end to my busy but joyful day, I was able to go to Folly Beach for the first time last night. The tide was going out and with it came the surfacing of cracked shells and salty rocks in the sand. The stars shone and the light from the pier danced in the waves. There was peace there, but also delight as our group played volleyball in the dark and walked along the water's edge until curfew called us back to the hotel.

DAY THREE! (Tuesday)

Tuesday, we were able to sleep in for an hour (thank the LORD, because I needed rest). We then had a God tools training that was helpful in helping me remember how to use them and to boost my confidence in going out to share the Gospel. It is weird, but before we went out sharing honestly I had felt very scared and anxious concerning this trip. But getting out with the intent to share the Gospel, man, did I feel on fire! We went to the Battery (a park area along the water in downtown Charleston) as a bible study group with some others from our project scattered around. If you've never went out evangelizing, you should know it's like being a spy for God, trying to test out of the area you're in who has the time or will be the most receptive to what you are saying. We split off into pairs, one group approaching people and the other praying for them. At first, I was in the praying pair, praying for Anna and Abby as they approached two older girls laying out on the grass. Praying for them was a really beautiful and new experience with outreach for me- it allowed me to still contribute in a way to the spiritual conversations going on all around me in the park, asking God to bless them and their words and move in hearts. They had a forty minute conversation which was not overly fruitful, but still I feel was a beneficial conversation. It was then my group's turn to go out and share.

I will tell you, we could not find anyone to share with or to have a conversation with at the park. We had less than 30 minutes to find and share with someone before we had to go back to the hotel, so that was difficult in itself. My partner was also new with using these tools and evangelizing in a non-simulation setting, and she approached a woman in a mysterious kind of way that I think put her off. I petted her dog and talked with her about us both living in Ohio (she was friendly enough but just wary), and so we went on our way. I feel like I could have had a really great conversation with her, but I think one of my personal obstacles was that I had a hard time sharing and taking steps in faith alongside a Christian that was still a stranger to me. I am wondering if maybe I would be better off in the future with sharing by myself (but in a supervised area too) because my politeness and passivity is triggered so easily with people I don't know. Hopefully that will get easier with upcoming weeks, or I will find a solution (I know God will).

After outreach, we had dinner and spent time with our bible study (I was lucky enough to witness a girl from Wisconsin experience her first Chik-Fil-A haha). We had an time of extremely honest and genuine testimonies being shared- their words and what God had taught them of their experiences very much bared veins to my own, which was all inspiring and encouraging. I did not get a chance to share my testimony, but I shall do so when we meet up next Tuesday. :) And finally we ended our night with pads on our foreheads haha, doing a mixer event at a women's night that focused on discussing friendships between women. It was very insightful but painful too as memories came up and hurt still lingered in my soul. The hurt of relationships of all strains and sizes still do effect me, but knowing that God is healing me beyond the immediate surface and in the darkest depths of my heart. Knowing that gives me so much hope for all of my relationships, because they all could be replenished with more of God's love in me. I ended the night with new friends and Catchphrase.

DAY TWO! (Monday)

We hit the ground running at like 7:30am or so. I think I might be able to survive 9 weeks of these early days off of Froot Loops and pleasant smiles at breakfast. We had a morning devotional and a talk on the holiness of work. We discussed this as most of us prepare for a McDonald's job that work is the design of God and that God does cary about making burgers as providing needs for people. Their discussion actually really motivated me to feel like I am supposed to be working at a McDonald's this summer. I really, really did not want to originally and was seeking out cute little French bakeries and cushy gelato shops and what not, but I am now really looking forward to glorifying God in a personally humbling place. As a personal mission statement to how I plan to worship God in my job, I hope to have integrity and to be unafraid of not being good at it or not having it all. I have to remember to compliment others and delight in seeing God's image in everyone (co-workers, bosses, and not just my project co-workers), and I must persevere and pray through all issues, taking an attitude of a learner and a listener.

We also spent the time learning more about ourselves through use of the Myers-Briggs scores and several other tests. My spiritual temperament is contemplative and nature-related, which very much suit me. I took a spiritual test concerning my spiritual gifts, and found I scored highest on discernment and exhortation. I personally laughed at the discernment idea (tests the message and action of others for the protection and well-being of the body), mostly because I feel as though I am horrible at that in myself and in discerning God's will. But I love exhortation! I scored lowest in faith and evangelism, but those will definitely grow over this summer. And I scored as an INFJ, which spelt me out pretty well. INFJs make up a really small portion of the population, and so my feeling outcast and/or unique is because it is how God has woven me. I am protective of myself, I am private and typically difficult to understand; I am genuinely warm, very sensitive to conflict, and have strong value systems; they have very high expectations of themselves. Overall, this is the last paragraph of the page we received "The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement."

We had lunch with our bible study. My group is really nice, and I feel really safe surrounded by these girls. Our leaders are wonderful Godly women, too, and I am really excited to spend the next four or so weeks with them under their wing. We talked about how to resolve conflict afterwards, and I am SO happy to have learned that. I am excited to take that new knowledge with me to work through anything at the Brook Street House this fall. And afterwards we had a wonderful homemade dinner of fried chicken and sweet tea (#thankGodforMrsYvette).

DAY ONE! (Sunday)
We sprang into the awkward politeness that comes with meeting strangers that are forced to share tight quarters, haha. It was beyond intimidating for me to show up and to only know one person- it felt like GSP all over again. But I am always so surprised with every Cru conference or meeting I go to with how humble, tender Christians are the kind of people that can quickly and easily and almost supernaturally form a body, a tight-woven community (I think that it is thanks to the Holy Spirit and our collective understanding of the Gospel). We had a picnic along with an orientation meeting where we discussed the schedule of project and different resources in our binder. I was pretty exhausted from early mornings and long car rides, so I turned in pretty early. My roommates were (and are) pretty cool, and my bedmate is sweet and does not snore. One of my roommates even reminds me of a once good friend of mine.

ready or not, here I come!

Driving through Kentucky hills as the early morning sun shines was the best goodbye to my home state. Currently I am in Campbell County Tennesee haha. my Mickey D's sweet tea is by my side, my earphones are blaring a perfect summer road trip playlist, and my sunglasses have already formed some nice crevices on my nose.

Please do not confuse my peace and excitement for my project for it being a nice and cozy 9-week beach vacation. Trust me, I am hoping for superficial things like that my bike does not get stolen and that the weather is eternally nice and that I do not get too homesick. But the wrestling with sin and my stubborn heart, the humbling full-time job I will have (probably at McDonald's), and the heartbreak that comes with the Gospel falling on deaf ears? Those are the very obstacles I am most excited to encounter (and overcome) with God's help.

*MacKenzie

ps from my playlist:

ready or not- air traffic controller

the truth is a cave- the oh hello's

flaws- bastille

god of the universe- lift (my church, highland hills baptist)

somebody like you- keith urban

what faith can do- kutless

house of gold- twenty one pilots

oceans- hillsong united

my body- young the giant

the struggle- tenth avenue north

cap diamant- coeur de pirate

finally free- rend collective

PEACE!

Hello there, friends. :) PHEW, has this week flown by! Writing this post at the moment is cutting into my precious and small sleep time though so I will attempt to keep it short.

This week has been a melange of packing and doing very chaotic last-minute things. If I had to think of a few Twitter-esque statements to describe it...

• Driving the interstate. SO MUCH TRAFFIC. #iwillsurvive (of course not posted while driving)
• Yes, Mom, I think 4 cans of sunscreen should be fine.
• These uniform pants are way too long! #shortpeopleprobs

I had to be talked out of bringing my Grandma's vintage camera, a lot of books, and my sock monkey, but I think beyond that I am ready for Charleston. I also may or may not have to do laundry while I am there, looking at how much I crammed into my totes.

As I have mentioned before, God also has been preparing my heart the last couple of weeks for Charleston and my time there. I feel like my heart is in a really good place for personal growth and peace, so hooray for His sovereignty! But I also am hoping not to lose sight of doing work for His glory, spreading news of His love to the people of Charleston I come into contact with during my time there. :)

On an interesting note, we were asked to take an online test that would tell us which personality type we are. I was personally quite surprised by my result- I scored as an INFJ, which is the most rare personality type. I have been reading up on INFJs and why I am the way I am is starting to make a lot more sense. I think that over the course of the project we will learn more about how we can use our own personal gifts to serve God.

BIG NEWS: I am leaving my old Kentucky home TOMORROW morning. At 7AM, haha (I haven't been up that early since high school!). My parents are wanting to make my journey a 2-day trek, stopping in North Carolina and going from there Sunday morning. And wow, as I sit here, the reality of my leaving for 9 weeks is starting to set in. Being away from my family and friends is going to be a big step. But I have no reason to fear- I am the child of a loving and awesome God who is going to protect me and do what He will with my summer and time in Charleston. :)

God bless & goodnight,
MacKenzie

celebrate!

Hi readers. :) I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend.

As a little reward for finishing support raising and a motivation for preparing more for Charleston this upcoming week, I took a small break from work and chores and cleaning. I was invited to a girls night in with my good friend Lauren's church youth group. I have not seen Lauren in months (too, too long), so I was really excited to have this opportunity to hang out with her. The focus of the weekend was celebrating our identity as daughters of Christ, but we also discussed beauty and modesty and other problem topics for young girls. I have a hilarious music video in my library now about the subject: Modesty is Hottesty. 

Makeup from Mary Kay! I felt super confident (and this is one of the few pictures I have ever published without a filter, haha).

Lauren & I in our "modest" clothing choices. We tried on some laughable immodest outfits, but I won't publish those.

God's still working, you guys! It is exciting and I still have more to do before I can leave but it will ROCK!

Love,

MacKenzie

racking up the miles, rolling down the days

Dear Readers/Believers,

Sorry for not updating in a couple of days- things have been very busy around here. I only have a little more than a week left until I leave for Charleston for two months! Phew- it is a lot to take in. I will miss you all, but you should always be able to see what I am up to on here.

I am close to raising my full support of the cost of the trip- whooo! Any other support that does come in beyond that will be set off for a food allowance over the 9 weeks I will be there (I do have to provide for most of my meals while I am down there, but I was allowed to raise up to $500 for this provision). I am so blessed by all of those who have chosen to support me- support raising and the ministry development process have all been a much more beautiful experience and it was not nearly as stressful as what I expected. It was amazing to get to reconnect with past Christian influences and connect with some in a new way in allowing them to be a part of this opportunity. I can't wait to continue these relationships, either as my trip and ministry continues. :)

Also, on an even more fun note, my parents generously bought me a bicycle so I can get around in Charleston! The style name of the bike is Sanctuary, which I think fits beautifully. It is a (little) girl's bike haha, but I love the colors and I am very much hoping to keep it so I can use it at school this fall.

my new sweet ride.

Finally, I wanted to tell you all about what I expect (and hope) of this summer. God has been revealing to me and exploring with me over the last several days some of my "heart" issues/my monsters- that is, areas of my life that God is still working on reflecting Him. There are certain areas that are confusing and jumbled and messy- some are gray areas in which I am not sure which direction to take to most honor Him and others; others are issues that I have had for a while and have not forgiven myself for; and others are areas in which there is room to heal and forgive. I cannot wait to offer up these things and make room in my heart this summer so He to do His work on me. I am already trying to get a head-start with a lot of reflection time the next few days about this summer, and I am praying for great Godly guidance this summer.

I wanted to leave you all with this quote as food for thought (or the soul). I finished a book called "Night of the Living Dead Christian" (great book, I highly recommend it for guys and anyone who loves to read) earlier today and this was by far one of my favorite lines:

"But being born isn't the end of something. It's not some static moment that defines your relationship forever. It's a beginning- a significant one, yes, a coming to life. But if you remain a baby forever, something is terribly wrong. Here I was, years later, standing in front of my box of souvenirs, making room for another one. My vampire teeth were in there, and my were-squirrel tail, and my mummy hand. I folded up the mad scientist's lab coat and put it in the box too. I'm still growing, still learning, and although something happened years ago and I crossed over some invisible line from death into life, I'm also still in the midst of being resurrected. I hope there's enough life pouring into me that it's coming up over the edges and onto the people around me. I hope that's true. Being born again can be painful. Growing up again- well, that's painful too."

Have a blessed day,

MacKenzie

You guys, things are looking bright (but busy). Support is trickling in now, whooo! I am growing in my confidence concerning talking with potential ministry partners (praise the Lord), and I am simply feeling more at peace as my departure day gets closer (May 25th!).

ready or not, here we come.

I didn't mention this before, but this past Saturday was the last time I will see Travis (my boo thang) until after Charleston. That is over 75 long days apart, especially for us two kids that were able to see each other a lot while at school. It will be difficult, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I know that growing in my relationship with God over my project will only serve to help any and all of my earthly relationships, too. I can't wait to see how God transforms my heart over this trip!

If I can send out a prayer request, please pray (besides for my project too, haha) for my health. Weeks of stress have worn down my emotional, mental, and physical state to where my body has not been functioning properly as-of-late. I do not think it is long-term, but nevertheless it hard to handle with so many things going on.

Also, I wanted to start discussing some of the things I think are unique (and cool) about my summer project in my blog, so I will be updating you a little bit more about it as I go. For example, in taking a step towards purity and holiness, the project has decided on a women's one-piece or tankini bathing suit expectation as to protect the men on the trip from temptation and the women on the trip from insecurity. I think that ROCKS (and it means I get to get new swimming suits)! I believe removing those obstacles will allow all of us (me too) to grow in our faiths so much more over this trip.

I love you all!

-MacKenzie

LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!

when things don't go as planned...

I have an awesome story to tell you all!

As of when I woke up today, I had about 25% raised for Charleston (which included my personal savings). I know that is a pretty low amount to have 2 weeks before leaving- I was trying not to freak out by keeping to the truth that God will provide. I mean, I still have the endless possibilities my potential ministry partners hold! But I had not gotten any kind of responses at all (I was even kind of afraid that no one had received my letters, haha) and was just feeling as though I had hit a dead end.

God had other plans for my journey, however. I never would have thought that God would choose to work through my non-practicing parents (the people in my life who are possibly the most skeptical about this support raising process and God's hand in it). He literally found the most surprising situation and worked good from it.

I am so blessed to say that I have a little over 50% raised for Charleston now. I am simply amazed and humbled about God's sovereignty over my support raising process and his power to bring in support from unexpected places. I cannot wait to see what else he has planned for me over the next two weeks.

So, Happy Mother's Day to my awesome, loving Mom. I know you don't know God personally yet, but seeing Him work through you for His glory has me in tears tonight. You have given so much towards this trip and continue to give me hope and reason. I love you beyond words.

-MacKenzie

BIG NEWS

Hello everybody! I have been up early (well, early for me, haha) starting off the morning with some much-needed Jesus time! Reaffirming the truths God says about your life is probably the best way to start the day. I'm going to share with you some I went over this morning:

You are loved
God is always there with you
He is sovereign
Remember to keep faith (not by sight)
You are a child of the God of peace
He hears and answers your prayers

I felt anxious waking up this morning, but now I feel ready for my day and wherever it may take me!

Now that I am out of school, finished with crazy finals, and have a large part of my support letter writing process finished, I am able to devote almost all of my time the next couple weeks (T-MINUS 17 DAYS!) to expanding my ministry team and personally preparing for my 9-week adventure in Charleston. I will be making my journey as shown through this blog public today, so that certainly is exciting! I will be posting more often and I also will be updating all of my readers on my personal, spiritual, and support-wise progress.

Also, you should know that I changed my blog name! For now, it will be pressing on for Charleston. I feel like it better expresses where my desire comes from to go to Charleston (to grow in my relationship with God), and also my mission while I am there (to be a servant to God and to help expand His Kingdom).

I am so excited and hopeful and (not quite yet, but getting) ready for this summer!

-MacKenzie

learning patience

months of brainstorming/drafting. 1 week of writing/sketching day and (a lot of the) night. 1 days of crying because I could not find a printer (God led me to the cheapest one in town!). Lots of praying, especially as I took a stack of over 20 detailed letters into the post office yesterday.

I put a lot of time and prayer into each one and into being beyond asking- I wanted to be genuine and grateful for all of the work and love each of these families or businesses has done in my life already. I want people to see supporting me is 1. supporting a dream and 2. helping God's work in expanding his Kingdom.

Any donations are to a lot more than a purchase- I realize that now, as I've wagered my savings in hopes of earning all of my support. But I'm still coming up short. I still have a large chunk left to raise in some way, but I am taking a step of faith and trusting God to provide through providers and to allow me to grow and expand these relationships in order to get this faithful girl to Charleston. I realize my window is short (less than 3 weeks now until I leave) & I am so anxious, but God is good and sovereign!!

For His Glory,

MacKenzie

P.S. If anyone does not receive a letter that does want one or would be interested in helping support me, I would love to send you a personal letter + bookmark + information about my trip. :)

philippians 4:13

I apologize that it's been a while since my last post.

Things have been really hard- I really believe Satan does not want me to send these support letters and to go on this trip. He's thrown a lot of things my way the last several weeks. I'm still persevering, though, with prayerful help- through finals, through bad grades, through a small car accident, through illnesses in my family, through issues printing my letters, and through things just plain not working out.

A lesson for both us: God doesn't ask us to do everything- we really can't do it on our own. He just asks us to follow him and to keep trying, to keep asking for His help. It's all to His glory, anyways. :)

These letters will be out by Monday (I am really really praying they do- it's a little over three weeks until I leave)!

a poem

This is a poem I wrote for my English class. It was inspired by an analogy spoken one past Sunday by Mr. Craig Johnson of Hope Culture Church. I wanted to post it here as a helpful reminder to myself and to others that we should not be content with simply being "tourists" or "conservationists" of our churches. Rather, we are called by Christ's love and sacrifice for us to be lifeguards to others who have not experienced the salvation and peace that comes with a relationship with God through Jesus. I also thought it was appropriate because I will be at the beach this summer, trying to save people in a spiritual sense. :)

 

in this realm,
the Sun sees all.
Bums bum breaks of waves
while the chatter of seagulls
and excited peoples
spray the scene like an ocean mist.

Noticeable by off-white tan lines
And new suits, $49.99
Are tourists of beach morality.
Loyalties lie in holier-than-thou
attitudes and the cheapest
umbrellas.
They always have eyes
on others
Eat the bread and
Drink in some Light
with their Coronas.
They leave when they wish,
in and out with shells and sand.

With picket signs sit conservationists,
They are angry crabs-
they pick and prod the coast of debris,
Of beer bottles and fleshy sandy sins.
But they themselves litter the beach
bringing guilt and a wall of judging eyes.

The drowning man!
He struggles in currents without mercy,
burdens on ankles pulling
Deeper into darkness.
Who is to help him?
He calls for all,
anyone, to pluck him from death.
Alas, only one kind helps.
One kind jumps in the water, in the currents,
In with sharks and jellyfish
Sharp rocks and seaweed.

The lifeguards, with eyes stuck on water,
Filled with a Spirit of conviction
Of knowing truly what it means
to be on the beach, saved­­–
He run into the world of waves
Whirling in whistling wind
To help the drinking, drowning man.

This is the Church of the beach.

wrapping up, or just getting started?

Dear Friends & Partners,

PHEW, has this week been busy! This week I have seen several health problems, an intimate Monday bible study, late night drives, several funny rounds of cards, a bad test grade, some miscommunication issues, good cuddling, and finally, I end my week at home. I am weary but have seen a productive and encouraging week.

Two pretty neat things have happened this past week!

Last Friday, I met up with my discipler Kari. We went sharing with one of her friends who was awesome and made us homemade cookies and had the cutest kids. She was really sweet and I had a chance to practice using Soularium, sharing my testimony for the first time aloud (that was interesting haha), and sharing the gospel through the Knowing God Personally booklet. I kept getting a little bit frustrated with myself throughout because I was nervous and stumbling over phrases I knew and believe! It is not up to me, though- God's going to do His work no matter what. I just have to pray that the Holy Spirit would allow me to help move her closer to believing.

AND He does and did provide! Where I felt confused Kari would swoop in and provide clarification and loving help. Going over the KGP definitely helped her understanding of what it is all about, but I think that because my story was similar to hers, it helped show her how faith transcends people and hypocrisy in the church and even ourselves to an extent- it is real when it is all about Jesus. Although she did not become a believer that day, she said that she wanted it- she has the knowledge of what the gospel is, it is just a matter of God showing it to her over time and moving her heart to feel like she is ready. If you could, please pray for this sweet girl, Meg.

Another cool thing was that I was a part of an outreach event in the SAC Multipurpose Room on Wednesday. We were using Soularium (my favorite!) and other Cru God Tools to speak to students about what they believe, and telling them if they want to hear what truths Christianity holds for them. I didn't get the chance to go out and share with anyone- someone said that I should stay at the table, in case a girl came up. I did get to tell a girl I know about Cru, though, so I am praying that she might come sometime!

I also made a bunch of adorable bookmarks with sketches and encouraging words and information about Cru on them, but somehow only one was passed out (they are kind of girly, haha). I'm thinking of making some for my support letters, as a nice little refrigerator magnet or bookmark or something.

Okay. Support letters. I am planning on sending them out this upcoming week. It just makes me very very nervous to send them out and to rely on God to provide for that much money (such a difficult and never satisfying part of our lives), but waiting any longer too will make me grossly nervous. It's like I keep thinking that I have to use my own efforts to convince people to support me , but I have to keep reminding myself that that is also God's job, too, and not mine.

I have two marketing presentations, one presentation en français, several English literary writings, a couple of homework assignments, and many many exams to survive. I also have ahead of me a ton of support raising and practicing sharing my faith. Things are concerning, but with God, I can find peace and comfort.

Remember: when Jesus invites us on an adventure, He shapes who we become with what happens along the way.

For His Glory,
MacKenzie