meditative monday

My Monday (6/9) started in a very unique way- particularly, it was early. Very early- like 6AM early. My work schedule was rearranged to better suit our project needs and my McDonald's needs, and so I was scheduled to start work at 7AM on Mondays and only Mondays, which personally sounds like an evil plot against my sanity and my ability to be a productive part of McDonald's and in the rest of my day.

Working 7AM to 3PM (they let us off an hour early, hallelujah) was surprisingly easy. I took more of a supporter role the whole day and although I did not personally feel challenged I was very grateful for a less exhausting introduction to a totally new concept of working a longer, earlier shift than before. I helped with drive thru basically the whole day with a couple of co-workers throughout the day. This allowed me to get to know them a little bit better. It was also a lot easier to work knowing that I would have a break from the week on Wednesday.

Monday night, we had project dinner with our bible studies. I just wanted to put in here that I absolutely adore the staff and student-staff on project- I very much respect how they step out in faith to lead us and guide us through our walks together, and our walks in such tight quarters.

We all did a very revealing activity together to start off a difficult but necessary discussion for our project. We answered some very deep and vulnerable questions. I want to include my answers here, mostly because I shared them last night but also because this blog is my main way of reflecting.

When I think about God I feel…

in a generalized, superficial good state

When I have to trust God I feel…

sometimes overwhelmed, often blinded and helpless to what I am doing

sometimes alone, like He isn't there or guiding me

guilty as I only go to him as a last resort

When I think about God I wish…

I knew more about Him

that I had a more intimate relationship with Him

I knew what He wanted for me and my life (selfish, but true)

Sometimes I get angry at God when…

He doesn't give me what I ask for/what I think He wants for me

It frustrates me when God wants me to…

do things out of my comfort zone

confront others

The one thing I must do to please God…

is to keep having unquestionable faith (which is impossible)

is to love others perfectly (especially people who are not Christians/those who are struggling)

The one thing that frightens me about God…

is His wrath/sovereignty (that I will find punishment/death in my current sins)

The one thing I am afraid God will make me do…

is changing myself

is changing my relationships

in essence, giving up control to Him

The hardest part about this exercise was seeing how I was blind to these depths of my sin and they felt almost blasphemous as offensive to God, hearing and knowing what He deems as true and living with fruit as though it is not. It was a challenging but very growing exercise. We also discussed group unity and some other developing areas.

It was an exposing process but I know it is going to be used to glorify God more, so I can't wait to get on that train. :)

-MacK