celebrate

Lord, I am so sorry I have looked so long for water in broken cisterns when I know all along where to find living water.

My joy right now is an eternal one. It is so full. Albeit, I am physically tired, but my weary smile just marks my contentedness in the life I have been living recently. Before, I just felt tired without any joy.

I feel more at peace about this break-up. If it is meant to be and worth it, then God will make it happen that way. If not, God will show me it's not right, and that He has bigger and better things in store for me. Whether it is or not, I know that God has awesome things in store for me, and maybe soon!

Still, though, interactions with men are so hard. I can still see myself seeking their approval and valuing their words most. It is so easy to see tempting, attractive things in men right now. I'm just looking for Jesus in them. I want to know what the man I should end up with someday (or if I should even have one), because I am so confused about what God wants for me. I thought I knew- I thought I knew better than God about what I need.

I feel really convicted over the last couple of days about giving up my desires and dreams and just following Jesus with my whole heart. There are some certain things I really believed God was just going to give me because He loves me. But it's not about me- it is about Him and His glory. I got caught up in the world and could not see that.

This weekend has been a whirlwind, but it is already one hundred times better than last week. It feels like I am just now waking up from a hazy nightmare that I have been living all year. A year of depression and pride issues and dependency and fear. I have no idea how I was so involved in ministry while struggling to survive life, but although good did come of things, it was not good in itself. I see that now, how much different my ministry on this campus could have looked. But this isn't a time to focus on regret of the past, but repentance and focusing on the potential ministry I can have this year.

I had no idea how much my unhealthy relationship impacted and hindered my ability to share Christ with others. I faced a lot of struggles, but some could have been avoided or at least easier with being single (and that, my friends, is something I never would have expected to say, ever). I understand why Cru recruits single ladies. I understand why I am supposed to be a said single-lady for a while. It is so I can use this time to really pour into other women, to have more of an eternal impact on my campus.

This weekend was "spring training" for leadership for the Central Kentucky region of Cru. We listened to some talks and each campus began to prepare for the upcoming school year. In the beginning it was really difficult to listen to the talks, mostly because of how much pain I was experiencing and how much memories and past feelings were being brought up. But by the end, I felt so free, I was on the brink of celebrating. I got to share with and laugh with friends (I hurt my sides from laughing so hard). I got to enjoy the beautiful outdoors with them. I got to stay up late exchanging poop stories and spying on the boys with them.

We had a chance to love on and encourage one another as a leadership team in a beautiful way, in a way that reflected Jesus and gave me so much hope. And they encouraged me that although this year was hard and the soil was rocky, there was still fruit on our campus. And it is not about me, or my prideful heart, but God and what He wants. And He has some AMAZING things in store for next year. I am so pumped to be a part of things (hopefully I will be on leadership again so I can be personally involved in the planning of these things, but I am just as content to be a part of things and help make an eternal impact on the campus).

I am going to be writing another post about my experience on Sunday, about my summer, and about my dreams and goals for the (near) future.

With hope,
MacKenzie